Why Do We Say ‘Yes’ When We Really Mean ‘No’? A Relational Perspective

Saying “yes” when we really mean “no” is a common human experience. At the surface, it might appear to be simply an issue of people-pleasing or not wanting to disappoint others. However, a deeper exploration through psychoanalysis and relational theory reveals a far more complex psychological dynamic at play. These seemingly harmless or, at times, impulsive concessions are often rooted in unresolved emotional conflicts, relational patterns, and deep-seated anxieties. Understanding why we say “yes” when we mean “no” can be transformative in developing healthier relational dynamics and a stronger sense of self.

The Fear of Disapproval: A Relational Root

At the core of this behaviour is the universal desire to be liked and accepted. From a relational psychoanalytic perspective, humans are wired for connection. Our relationships are vital to our sense of self-worth. The fear of rejection and disapproval can lead us to prioritize others’ needs and desires over our own. Saying “yes” when we mean “no” is an unconscious attempt to preserve relationships and avoid the emotional discomfort that may arise from setting boundaries.

This behaviour can be traced back to early childhood experiences. For instance, children may learn that saying “no” or asserting themselves leads to negative consequences, such as parental anger or emotional withdrawal. Over time, these early relational experiences shape the way we interact with others. We may internalize the belief that love and acceptance are conditional upon our ability to please, and as adults, this belief can manifest in an unconscious fear of conflict and disapproval. The relational pressure to please others and maintain harmony can be so intense that we override our own needs and desires in the process.

People-Pleasing as an Identity

People-pleasing, a term often used to describe the tendency to say “yes” at the expense of one’s own desires, is more than just a behavioural trait—it can become part of one’s identity. Psychoanalytically, people-pleasing behaviours often emerge from unresolved relational dynamics. Individuals who were raised in environments where their needs were ignored or undervalued might develop a pattern of pleasing others in order to feel worthy or loved.

This people-pleasing behavior is often a coping mechanism to avoid feelings of anxiety, guilt, and fear of abandonment. When someone feels that their worth is contingent on the approval of others, they may say “yes” even when it contradicts their true feelings. This dynamic can be seen in both personal and professional relationships, where individuals suppress their authentic desires in order to meet the expectations of others. While this might seem like an effective strategy in the short term, it ultimately leads to feelings of resentment, burnout, and a loss of self-identity.

The Role of Childhood Conditioning

The psychoanalytic theory of transference, where unconscious patterns from childhood are projected onto current relationships, plays a significant role in why we say “yes” when we mean “no.” In early childhood, children may have learned that saying “no” or expressing their own needs could result in emotional withdrawal, punishment, or rejection from caregivers. This formative experience shapes how children later engage with authority figures, peers, and loved ones in adulthood.

For instance, a child raised in an environment where emotional needs were ignored or met with conditional love might learn that saying “no” leads to feelings of abandonment. To prevent this, they may begin to prioritize others’ needs over their own. This conditioning may carry over into adulthood, where an individual might struggle to assert themselves in relationships for fear of repeating past relational wounds. These internalized messages are so deeply embedded that we may not even be fully conscious of them, yet they significantly impact our behaviour in relationships.

Anxiety and the Unconscious Need for Connection

Saying “yes” when we mean “no” is often an unconscious attempt to manage anxiety. The discomfort of asserting ourselves, particularly in emotionally charged situations, can be overwhelming. Psychoanalytically, we might interpret this anxiety as a fear of emotional disconnection. We fear that saying “no” might jeopardize a relationship, whether it be with a partner, friend, family member, or colleague. The fear of emotional abandonment can be so strong that we override our true feelings to maintain a connection, even if that connection ultimately comes at the cost of our own well-being.

From a relational perspective, this behaviour is rooted in our need for emotional safety. Humans are social beings who thrive on connection, and relational bonds are integral to our emotional health. However, when these connections feel threatened by the potential of rejection or conflict, we may prioritize the relationship over ourselves. This relational anxiety can make it difficult to say “no” because doing so would mean risking vulnerability and the possibility of disconnection.

The Emotional Cost of Saying “Yes” When We Mean “No”

While saying “yes” to others may seem like a path to maintaining harmonious relationships, it often comes with emotional costs. When we repeatedly suppress our own desires to accommodate others, we begin to lose touch with our authentic selves. This disconnection from our true needs leads to feelings of frustration, resentment, and emotional burnout.

Over time, the accumulation of unexpressed desires can result in a deep sense of dissatisfaction with one’s life. For example, an individual who consistently says “yes” to additional work responsibilities may begin to feel overwhelmed, stressed, and unappreciated, eventually leading to burnout. Similarly, in personal relationships, repeatedly sacrificing one’s own needs to please others can lead to feelings of emotional depletion and a sense of disconnection from one’s true self.

Reclaiming the Power of “No”

One of the most empowering steps toward healing is learning to say “no” in a way that feels authentic and respectful of both oneself and others. Therapy, particularly relational psychoanalysis, provides a safe space to explore the unconscious patterns that contribute to this people-pleasing behaviour. Through the therapeutic process, individuals can begin to uncover the root causes of their anxiety and fear of disapproval and work to develop healthier ways of asserting boundaries.

Relational psychoanalysis emphasizes the importance of understanding how our early relational experiences shape our current interactions. In therapy, the therapist-client relationship itself becomes a space where the client can begin to practice saying “no” in a safe and supportive environment. By doing so, individuals begin to rebuild their sense of self-respect and autonomy.

Moving Toward Healthy Boundaries

Learning to say “no” is an essential aspect of developing healthy boundaries. Boundaries are not about rejecting others or pushing them away; they are about creating a clear distinction between our needs and the needs of others. Healthy boundaries allow us to prioritize our own well-being without the fear of rejection or disapproval. In doing so, we honour our emotional needs and cultivate more authentic, balanced relationships.

Saying “no” when we mean “no” is not a selfish act; it is an act of self-respect. It is a way of honouring our own emotions and asserting our needs in a way that promotes both personal well-being and relational health. By reclaiming the ability to say “no,” we begin to nurture healthier, more fulfilling relationships—starting with the one we have with ourselves.

Conclusion

In conclusion, saying “yes” when we mean “no” is a complex behaviour that is deeply rooted in relational dynamics, early conditioning, and unconscious fears. By exploring these dynamics through psychoanalysis and relational theory, we can begin to understand the underlying causes of our tendency to prioritize others over ourselves. Therapy provides a valuable space to explore these patterns and develop the skills necessary to assert healthy boundaries. Learning to say “no” is not only an act of self-preservation; it is a profound step toward building more authentic and fulfilling relationships with others and with ourselves.