Why Do We Always Push Ourselves Beyond Our Limits?
In today’s fast-paced world, the pressure to push ourselves beyond our limits feels almost unavoidable. From work deadlines to personal goals, the expectation to do more, achieve faster, and be better is everywhere. Social media highlights success stories, while corporate culture rewards non-stop productivity. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that slowing down means falling behind.
But what drives this relentless push? Is it ambition, societal pressure, or something deeper within us? Beyond the surface of daily hustle lies a psychological landscape shaped by early life experiences, societal expectations, and our need for connection and validation. Understanding why we push ourselves—and at what cost—requires exploring these forces. Why do we find it so hard to rest, to say “enough,” and to accept our limits as humans? The answer lies not just in what the world demands of us but in what we unconsciously demand from ourselves.
The Modern World’s Relationship with Limits
Our current relationship with limits is deeply influenced by modern societal values rooted in productivity and achievement. The industrial and technological revolutions, which promised to free us from toil through machines and automation, ironically reshaped how we perceive time and worth. With the rise of machine intelligence, many hoped that humanity would finally have more leisure and rest. But instead, technological progress has intensified the demand for constant availability, efficiency, and output.
What was once human is now measured in mechanical terms: output, performance, and productivity. We internalize this, seeing rest as a failure rather than a necessity. To stop or slow down feels like falling behind, as if being human—with our emotional needs, exhaustion, and limitations—is inherently flawed. In a world that runs on speed and production, being bound by human limits feels like being left behind.
The Psychological Roots of Overextension
From a psychoanalytic perspective, the compulsion to push ourselves stems from unconscious emotional drives often formed in early relationships. Our personal histories shape how we relate to success, failure, and self-worth. Many of us internalize expectations from caregivers, teachers, or societal messages, which later manifest in adult life as a need to overachieve.
For example, a child whose value was recognized only through accomplishments might grow into an adult driven by perfectionism, seeking validation through endless productivity. This adult might struggle with feelings of worthlessness unless they are constantly achieving, as though rest invalidates their existence. Similarly, someone who faced instability in early life may believe that control over work and success can compensate for earlier helplessness.
Psychoanalysis also emphasizes the role of unconscious guilt. Many people unknowingly believe they must “earn” rest or joy. They feel guilty when they are not working or accomplishing something tangible, as if stopping threatens their self-worth. This dynamic is reinforced by a society that glorifies hustle and views vulnerability or stillness as weakness.
The Relational Impact of Ignoring Limits
The consequences of ignoring personal limits extend beyond the individual, affecting relationships in profound ways. When people are constantly pushing themselves, they have little energy left for emotional intimacy or meaningful connection. They may become emotionally distant, irritable, or consumed by work, leaving partners, friends, and family feeling neglected or secondary.
Moreover, pushing beyond limits can create unconscious relational conflicts. When one partner in a relationship overworks or strives excessively, they may expect the same level of sacrifice from the other, fostering resentment or feelings of inadequacy. Relationships become transactional, based on productivity rather than emotional presence.
There is also a subtle societal competition in how people discuss being “busy” or “stressed.” It’s almost a badge of honor—a way of saying, “I’m important because I’m constantly needed.” This creates a cycle where being busy becomes a status symbol, making it even harder to honor limits without feeling left behind or insignificant.
The Need to Reclaim Our Humanity
To honor our limits is to reclaim what it means to be human. We are not machines designed for endless production; we are emotional, relational beings whose worth cannot be measured by how much we accomplish. Limits are not flaws to overcome—they are reminders that we exist within a natural rhythm of effort and rest, work and reflection, giving and receiving.
Relational psychoanalysis reminds us that healing comes from being truly seen and accepted, not for what we do but for who we are. Just as a therapist offers unconditional acceptance to a client, we must learn to extend the same compassion to ourselves. Recognizing our limits allows us to reconnect with ourselves and others from a place of authenticity, rather than performance.
In the words of psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, “It is a joy to be hidden, and a disaster not to be found.” This statement underscores the need for rest, solitude, and being known beyond what we can produce. Allowing ourselves to be “hidden”—to pause, to breathe—doesn’t make us weak. It allows us to be found again by others and, most importantly, by ourselves.
The limits we push against are often the very boundaries that preserve our humanity. Acknowledging them doesn’t mean giving up; it means embracing the fullness of life—its highs and lows, its action and rest. We are not infinite, and that is not a limitation. It is what makes us beautifully, imperfectly human.
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Why We Feel So Disconnected in A Connected World?
In today’s hyper-connected world, we have more ways than ever to stay in touch. Social media, messaging apps, video calls, and emails keep us looped into each other’s lives constantly. Yet, an overwhelming number of people report feeling lonely, disconnected, or even alienated from those around them. Why is it that, despite this technological closeness, we often feel so emotionally distant? Through a psychoanalytic and relational lens, we can explore some of the deeper reasons for this modern sense of disconnection.
The Illusion of Connection: Quantity vs. Quality
While we may have hundreds or thousands of “friends” on social media, the quality of these relationships often lacks depth. In psychoanalytic terms, true connection relies on authentic, vulnerable exchanges where we feel truly seen and understood by another. This requires time, mutuality, and presence—qualities often missing in a quick text or “like” on a photo. Shallow interactions, though numerous, don’t fulfill our need for genuine connection. It’s like skimming the surface without ever diving into the depths.
In relational psychoanalysis, thinkers like Stephen Mitchell and Jessica Benjamin emphasize the importance of “shared reality” and the “recognition process.” This is the idea that feeling connected goes beyond superficial acknowledgment; it requires an exchange that affirms our reality and values the unique nuances of who we are. Unfortunately, the brevity and speed of online interactions rarely allow for this kind of relational depth, leading us to feel unseen, even among hundreds of “friends.”
Social Media and the Performance of Self
On social media, we often curate and present idealized versions of ourselves, consciously or unconsciously hiding the messy, complex parts. While this polished portrayal may attract admiration, it can also amplify feelings of isolation. This dissonance, between the online persona and our true selves, can be jarring. We may gain validation for a carefully edited photo or update, but our unfiltered emotions and authentic struggles remain hidden.
This practice creates a type of “false self,” a concept introduced by psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott. He described the “false self” as a defensive facade that people construct to hide vulnerabilities. When we interact through a persona, we create a distance between our inner world and how we’re perceived. Though social media offers us a constant flow of interaction, it often reinforces this facade, making it harder to connect genuinely. We receive validation for an image that doesn’t fully represent us, leading to a sense of inner emptiness or disconnection.
The Loneliness of Constant Comparison
Endless scrolling exposes us to a curated highlight reel of other people’s lives, leading to comparisons that can sap our self-esteem. Seeing others’ successes, relationships, and adventures can trigger feelings of inadequacy and amplify insecurities, especially when we’re struggling. This type of engagement lacks reciprocity and doesn’t allow us to feel truly known or connected.
Psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut’s concept of “self-object needs” can provide insight here. Kohut argued that we need others to help us form a cohesive sense of self; we look to people as “self-objects” who mirror our worth and stability. Online, though, we’re flooded with comparison rather than genuine mirroring. While we look for validation, we often encounter competition, triggering self-doubt rather than connection. Over time, this can weaken our sense of self-worth and leave us feeling isolated.
The Decline of Uninterrupted, Real-Life Connections
Relational psychoanalysis suggests that human connection is a dance of presence and attunement. This type of connection happens when people are fully present, without distractions. However, our constant access to technology interrupts these moments. We’re often physically present but mentally elsewhere, half-engaged in conversation while checking notifications.
These interruptions may seem trivial, but they chip away at the feeling of being truly valued and understood. Imagine sharing something meaningful with someone only to find them glancing at their phone mid-sentence. This lack of attunement can make us feel unseen, fostering an emotional distance that leads to a deeper sense of isolation.
The Cycle of Disconnection and Escapism
When we feel isolated, we often turn back to the very devices and platforms that contribute to this sense of disconnection. We scroll, swipe, and refresh as a way of coping with loneliness, hoping to find something that will fill the void. However, each time we turn to our devices for comfort, we are reinforcing a cycle where we avoid true connection and settle for temporary distractions. This reinforces the disconnection rather than alleviating it, keeping us trapped in a loop.
Psychoanalytically speaking, this is a form of avoidance. Instead of facing uncomfortable emotions or exploring the roots of our loneliness, we’re sidetracked by fleeting notifications or viral videos. This leaves us both emotionally unsatisfied and dependent on a form of engagement that never fully meets our relational needs.
Moving Toward Real Connection: Suggestions for Breaking the Cycle
- Cultivate Presence in Relationships: Start by being fully present when you’re with others. Put away devices during conversations, and give undivided attention to the people you’re with. This small change can foster trust, intimacy, and a sense of being valued.
- Set Boundaries with Technology: Create specific times for checking notifications, and avoid using your phone as an emotional crutch. By reducing impulsive scrolling, you open up time to process your thoughts and engage in meaningful activities.
- Engage in Self-Reflection: If you find yourself picking up your phone during moments of discomfort, take a pause. Ask yourself what emotion you’re trying to avoid. Are you feeling lonely, anxious, or bored? By facing these emotions directly, you can learn to cope with them more constructively.
- Seek Depth Over Quantity: Try to deepen a few close relationships rather than scattering your attention across many superficial connections. Investing in fewer, more meaningful friendships can fulfill your relational needs in a way that online interactions rarely do.
- Engage in Self-Compassion and Authenticity: Practice being open about your struggles and imperfections. Vulnerability is the foundation of trust, and true connection is often formed through shared authentic experiences. By being honest about who you are, you invite others to do the same.
A World of Connection Requires Intentional Effort
Despite the barriers created by technology, the ability to forge meaningful connections remains within our reach. By understanding why we feel disconnected and actively choosing depth and presence over convenience, we can begin to cultivate relationships that truly fulfill us.
Ultimately, connection requires a level of vulnerability and a willingness to be present that goes beyond likes, shares, or quick exchanges. Through self-awareness and intentional effort, we can foster the real, lasting bonds that make us feel deeply connected in an increasingly digital world.
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The State of Mainstream Psychology in India: A Patch on Capitalism
Psychology has historically been seen as a vital field dedicated to understanding the human mind and behavior, fostering well-being, and addressing mental health issues. But lately, it feels like the field is being co-opted by capitalism, especially within corporate settings. This shift has compromised the essence of psychology, reducing it to a tool that serves economic interests rather than prioritizing genuine mental health care.
The Essence of Psychology
At its core, psychology aims to delve deeply into the experience of the human psyche, exploring factors that influence thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. The therapeutic relationship between a psychologist and a client is most important factor. It requires patience, empathy, and a commitment from therapist side for long-term healing. Most of the approaches of psychology emphasize the importance of this relationship, focusing on understanding the client’s experiences and fostering a journey of self-discovery and growth. But the modern-day crisis has made us forget about this very basic idea of the therapeutic relationship.
The Corporate Influence
The corporate sector, driven by profit and efficiency, often demands quick fixes and measurable outcomes. This clashes with the fundamental principles of psychology, which advocate for a thorough and patient approach to mental health care. My recent job interviews in corporate mental health settings really brought this to light.
For instance, during an interview at a well-known hospital, I was made to wait for two and a half hours before being called in. When the interview finally began, the psychiatrist conducting it was clearly in a hurry and disinterested in my responses. He didn’t even seem to know the difference between relational psychoanalysis and classical psychodynamics, and showing dismissive attitude towards a field he seemingly knew little about, was disheartening. This showed a glaring disconnect between what corporate settings expect and what real psychological practice should be about.
The Agitation of the Corporate Therapist
The psychiatrist’s frustration during my interview, especially after a long day, reflects a broader issue in corporate mental health settings. Therapists in these environments are often overworked and under pressure to deliver quick results. This pressure can lead to a superficial approach to therapy, focusing on immediate symptom relief rather than addressing underlying issues. These shortcuts undermine the therapeutic process and serve the capitalist demand for efficiency over real effectiveness.
The Loss of True Therapeutic Value
In a capitalist framework, the deep, relational aspects of therapy are often overshadowed by a need for productivity and cost-effectiveness. People seeking help from their mental health struggles end up in a system that’s just as stressful as what they’re trying to escape. Therapists, too, become cogs in the capitalist machine, unable to practice the patient, empathetic care that is essential for true healing.
The Call for Change
It’s crucial to recognize and resist the capitalist encroachment on psychology. The field must reclaim its roots, emphasizing the importance of the therapeutic relationship and the slow, patient work of understanding and healing. Mental health care should not be about quick fixes but about fostering genuine, long-term well-being.
The essence of psychology lies in its ability to connect deeply with individuals, understand their unique experiences, and guide them towards self-realization and healing. As we face the challenges of modern life, we need to protect this essence, resisting the pressures of capitalism to ensure that psychology remains a source of hope and healing in an increasingly stressful world.
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