Living in Survival Mode: How Modern Age Reshapes Our Minds and Relationships?
In today’s fast-paced, hyper-competitive world, our bodies and minds are constantly subjected to the relentless demands of capitalism. The modern age forces our nervous system to navigate a world where rest is seen as laziness, productivity is the sole measure of worth, and scarcity is an ever-present reality. Under such pressures, our mental well-being is compromised, and our relationships suffer, leaving us feeling isolated and disconnected. From a relational and psychoanalytic perspective, it becomes clear that our psychological distress is deeply rooted in the societal structures that shape our daily existence.
The Modern Age Grip on Our Nervous System
Our nervous system, biologically wired for connection, safety, and homeostasis, is now entrapped in a perpetual state of survival. The demands of capitalism—deadlines, bills, unpaid labor, and the omnipresent hustle culture—push our bodies to their limits while constantly demanding more. This relentless pace forces individuals into hypervigilance, keeping their nervous system in a chronic state of fight-or-flight.
Consider how often you check your emails first thing in the morning, your heart racing with anticipation of missed deadlines. Or the way your stomach knots at the thought of an unexpected expense. These are not isolated experiences but rather symptoms of a system designed to keep you on edge, always preparing for the next challenge.
Recent comments from corporate leaders, such as L&T chairman advocating for a 90-hour workweek and Narayana Murthy suggesting a 70-hour workweek, reflect the deep-seated obsession with overwork. These statements reinforce the toxic cultural norm that equates long hours with dedication and success, despite the detrimental impact on mental and physical health. The capitalist framework infiltrates our psyche, shaping our internal narratives around self-worth and adequacy. The unconscious message embedded within these societal structures is clear: “You are only as good as your productivity.” As a result, individuals struggle with feelings of guilt and shame whenever they attempt to step back, rest, or prioritize their emotional needs.
The Impact on Relationships and the Self
In relational psychoanalysis, the therapeutic relationship itself is seen as a primary agent of healing. However, within a capitalist framework, relationships often become transactional rather than meaningful, driven by efficiency rather than genuine connection. When people are caught in the cycle of overwork and survival, the ability to engage in deep, emotionally nourishing relationships diminishes.
For example, a friend’s message asking to meet might feel like another task to squeeze into your packed schedule, rather than an opportunity for genuine connection. Conversations with loved ones may revolve around work stress, financial concerns, or future plans—leaving little space for emotional presence and authenticity.
Attachment theories suggest that our earliest relational experiences shape our sense of self and capacity for connection. Capitalism, by prioritizing individualism and competition, disrupts these attachment bonds and fosters a sense of isolation. In this way, our basic human need for connection and intimacy is deprioritized, leaving us in an emotional desert, longing for meaningful engagement but unable to access it due to exhaustion and stress.
The Illusion of Control and the Internalization of Capitalist Ideals
Capitalism thrives on the illusion of control. It convinces individuals that if they just work harder, plan better, or stay constantly “on,” they can achieve security and fulfillment. This belief aligns with psychoanalytic concepts of the superego—the internalized voice of societal expectations and pressures. The capitalist superego is unforgiving, pushing individuals toward unattainable ideals of success and productivity. It fosters an internal critic that constantly questions, “Am I doing enough?” leading to pervasive self-doubt and an ever-present sense of failure.
The internalization of these capitalist ideals creates a split within the self. One part strives for rest and connection, while the other feels guilty for not being productive enough. This internal conflict often manifests as anxiety, depression, and somatic symptoms such as chronic fatigue, headaches, and digestive issues.
Shame and the Need to Prove Worth
One of the most profound effects of capitalism on the psyche is the creation of shame—a deeply felt sense of not being enough. Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott emphasized the importance of the “true self” and “false self.” Under capitalism, individuals often adopt a false self that aligns with societal expectations while suppressing their true desires, needs, and vulnerabilities. This results in a profound disconnection from the self and others, as individuals are forced to perform a role that keeps them alienated from their authentic selves.
Shame often arises when individuals cannot meet the unrealistic standards set by capitalism. They feel inadequate, not because they lack capability, but because the system is designed to foster feelings of insufficiency. This experience of shame becomes internalized, further entrenching the belief that self-worth is tied solely to output and external validation.
Breaking Free: Reclaiming Rest and Connection
Healing from the psychological impact of capitalism requires a conscious effort to reclaim rest, connection, and self-compassion. From a relational perspective, healing can occur through relationships that validate one’s intrinsic worth beyond productivity. Seeking therapy, engaging in meaningful conversations, and building communities that prioritize mutual support over competition can help individuals reframe their narratives around success and self-worth.
Consider setting boundaries with work, reclaiming time for activities that nourish your soul, and seeking relationships where you feel valued for who you are, not what you achieve.
Psychoanalytic therapy offers a space to explore and dismantle the unconscious internalization of capitalist values. Through this process, individuals can begin to recognize how societal pressures have shaped their self-perceptions and work toward reclaiming their autonomy and authenticity.
Moving Toward a Sustainable Future
As we navigate this modern world, it is crucial to challenge the pervasive belief that exhaustion is a prerequisite for success. We must advocate for systemic changes that prioritize human well-being over profit, recognizing that true mental health thrives in environments that honor rest, emotional expression, and relational depth.
By understanding the profound impact of capitalism on our nervous system through a relational and psychoanalytic lens, we can begin to foster healthier ways of living, working, and relating—ones that prioritize authenticity, connection, and true well-being.
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The Socio-Psychogenesis of Suicide in Kota: A Psychologist’s Reflections
As a psychologist working in Kota, I am deeply immersed in the lives of students who come to this city, carrying the weight of countless expectations. These young individuals, often between the ages of 15 and 23, leave their families and familiar surroundings to prepare for some of India’s most competitive entrance exams, such as JEE and NEET. While some of their stories are inspiring, they are also profoundly tragic, as many buckle under immense pressure. The alarming rate of student suicides in Kota is a manifestation of a complex web of social, familial, systemic, and individual factors.
Sitting across from these students in counselling and therapy sessions, I often hear narratives tinged with anxiety, despair, and hopelessness. The emotional toll they endure is palpable, and while their pain is immediate, the causes of their struggles run deep into the structures of our education system, societal values, and familial expectations.
The Burden of Student Responsibility
It is easy for people to point fingers at students themselves, blaming their inability to cope or labelling them as too fragile to handle challenges. However, such simplifications only serve to absolve others of their responsibility. These adolescents, still developing emotionally and psychologically, are thrust into an unforgiving environment where their worth is measured solely by ranks and results.
In counselling sessions, I have often reflected on a fundamental issue: many students do not know why they are here. They come to Kota with dreams of clearing the JEE or NEET exams, not because they genuinely aspire to be engineers or doctors, but because societal and familial pressures have convinced them that these professions are the only path to a prosperous and meaningful life. But is this “knowing” genuine? True knowing involves an internal sense of purpose and clarity, not the blind acceptance of external expectations. Without this inner sense of direction, their journey becomes one of constant self-doubt and despair, compounding the pressures they already face.
As much as I try to help them reframe these thoughts, I cannot ignore the systemic and societal factors that reinforce these beliefs. It is not the students who fail but the environment around them that sets them up for such profound despair.
Families and the Unyielding Weight of Expectations
In many cases, parents and other family members play a critical role in shaping the pressures their children feel. Kota is not just a city for these families; it is a beacon of hope and aspiration. Parents often see the city as a means to secure their children’s futures, investing substantial financial resources to enroll them in renowned coaching institutes. This investment is not merely monetary but also emotional.
Many parents approach this journey with good intentions, wanting the best for their children. Yet, these intentions often morph into overwhelming expectations. In my conversations with students, I hear them speak about their parents’ sacrifices—selling land, taking loans, or foregoing personal comforts—all to fund their education in Kota. These sacrifices, while commendable, place an unbearable burden on the child to succeed.
Students often mention, “I feel like I am living my parents’ dream, not mine. If I fail, I will ruin their lives.” These words stayed with me, highlighting how the pressure to succeed is often about fulfilling familial aspirations rather than personal ambitions.
In many families, there is also an emotional disconnect. Parents, preoccupied with the financial and logistical demands of this journey, may not recognize the psychological struggles their children face. Mental health is still a taboo topic in many Indian households, and students are often discouraged from expressing vulnerability. When they do speak up, they may be met with dismissive comments like “Just focus on your studies” or “Everyone else is managing, why can’t you?”
Society’s Unyielding Standards
Beyond the family, societal expectations amplify the pressure students feel. In India, success is narrowly defined by a few prestigious professions, particularly in engineering and medicine. Society places an almost mythical value on securing admission to institutions like IITs and AIIMS, equating this achievement with intelligence, respectability, and upward mobility.
The societal obsession with these professions creates a culture of hyper-competitiveness, where students are judged not only by their results but also by their ability to surpass their peers. This relentless comparison erodes their self-esteem and fosters a toxic environment where failure is stigmatized.
In my work, I have seen how societal judgment seeps into the psyche of students. They fear not only their own disappointment but also the shame they believe their families will endure if they fail. Students said, “If I don’t get a good rank, my neighbours will say my parents wasted their money. I can’t let that happen.” This external judgment adds an unbearable layer of stress to an already overwhelming situation.
The Role of the Coaching Industry and Education System
The education system and coaching industry are central to the pressures students face. Kota’s reputation as a coaching hub is both its greatest strength and its greatest weakness. On one hand, the city offers unparalleled resources and expertise for competitive exam preparation. On the other hand, it fosters a culture that prioritizes results over well-being.
Coaching institutes operate like factories, churning out toppers to enhance their reputations. Students are subjected to gruelling schedules, often studying for 12–14 hours a day. The emphasis is solely on academic performance, with little attention paid to their mental or emotional health.
I have visited these institutes and spoken with faculty members, and while many express concern for their students, the structure of the system leaves little room for compassion. Mock tests, rankings, and cutthroat competition dominate the landscape, creating an environment where students feel like mere numbers.
The education system also bears responsibility. India’s focus on high-stakes exams creates an atmosphere of scarcity, where securing a limited number of seats in prestigious institutions becomes a do-or-die situation. This scarcity fuels the coaching industry’s growth while neglecting the broader question of how education should serve the holistic development of individuals.
The State’s Apathy
The role of the state in this crisis is both glaring and appalling. Despite the well-documented pressures faced by students in Kota, there is a severe lack of mental health infrastructure in the city. There are too few counselors and psychologists to address the needs of the tens of thousands of students who come here every year.
Moreover, the state’s failure to regulate coaching institutes allows these organizations to prioritize profits over student welfare. There is little accountability for how these institutes operate or the impact they have on students’ mental health.
Government initiatives to promote mental health awareness often remain superficial, failing to address the systemic issues that drive students to despair. As a psychologist, I often feel like I am working in isolation, trying to put out fires in an environment that constantly fans the flames.
A Culture of Silence
One of the most heartbreaking aspects of this crisis is the culture of silence surrounding it. Families, coaching institutes, and society at large often avoid addressing the issue of student suicides, treating them as isolated incidents rather than symptoms of a systemic problem.
When suicides do occur, the narrative often shifts to blame the individual student for their perceived weakness, ignoring the broader structures that contributed to their despair. This refusal to engage with the root causes perpetuates the cycle of pressure and tragedy.
Personal Reflections
As a psychologist, I carry the weight of these stories with me long after the counseling sessions end. I have seen students break down, sharing their fears and vulnerabilities in ways they cannot with their families or peers. Each story is a reminder of the immense challenges they face and the urgent need for systemic change.
There have been moments of hope, too—instances where a student begins to see their worth beyond academic results, or where a parent starts to understand the importance of emotional support. These moments keep me going, but they also highlight how much work remains to be done.
In Kota, the lives of students hang in a delicate balance between hope and despair. They come here with dreams, but too many leave as cautionary tales. This city, and the systems that support it, must reckon with the human cost of its success. Only then can we hope to create an environment where students can thrive not just academically but as whole, resilient individuals.
This issue is deeply personal to me, not only because of the work I do but because I see in these students a reflection of our collective values and priorities. Their struggles are a mirror to our society, urging us to confront uncomfortable truths and take responsibility for the environments we create. It is not just their dreams that are at stake but their lives—and that demands nothing less than our full attention and commitment.
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Why Do We Always Push Ourselves Beyond Our Limits?
In today’s fast-paced world, the pressure to push ourselves beyond our limits feels almost unavoidable. From work deadlines to personal goals, the expectation to do more, achieve faster, and be better is everywhere. Social media highlights success stories, while corporate culture rewards non-stop productivity. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that slowing down means falling behind.
But what drives this relentless push? Is it ambition, societal pressure, or something deeper within us? Beyond the surface of daily hustle lies a psychological landscape shaped by early life experiences, societal expectations, and our need for connection and validation. Understanding why we push ourselves—and at what cost—requires exploring these forces. Why do we find it so hard to rest, to say “enough,” and to accept our limits as humans? The answer lies not just in what the world demands of us but in what we unconsciously demand from ourselves.
The Modern World’s Relationship with Limits
Our current relationship with limits is deeply influenced by modern societal values rooted in productivity and achievement. The industrial and technological revolutions, which promised to free us from toil through machines and automation, ironically reshaped how we perceive time and worth. With the rise of machine intelligence, many hoped that humanity would finally have more leisure and rest. But instead, technological progress has intensified the demand for constant availability, efficiency, and output.
What was once human is now measured in mechanical terms: output, performance, and productivity. We internalize this, seeing rest as a failure rather than a necessity. To stop or slow down feels like falling behind, as if being human—with our emotional needs, exhaustion, and limitations—is inherently flawed. In a world that runs on speed and production, being bound by human limits feels like being left behind.
The Psychological Roots of Overextension
From a psychoanalytic perspective, the compulsion to push ourselves stems from unconscious emotional drives often formed in early relationships. Our personal histories shape how we relate to success, failure, and self-worth. Many of us internalize expectations from caregivers, teachers, or societal messages, which later manifest in adult life as a need to overachieve.
For example, a child whose value was recognized only through accomplishments might grow into an adult driven by perfectionism, seeking validation through endless productivity. This adult might struggle with feelings of worthlessness unless they are constantly achieving, as though rest invalidates their existence. Similarly, someone who faced instability in early life may believe that control over work and success can compensate for earlier helplessness.
Psychoanalysis also emphasizes the role of unconscious guilt. Many people unknowingly believe they must “earn” rest or joy. They feel guilty when they are not working or accomplishing something tangible, as if stopping threatens their self-worth. This dynamic is reinforced by a society that glorifies hustle and views vulnerability or stillness as weakness.
The Relational Impact of Ignoring Limits
The consequences of ignoring personal limits extend beyond the individual, affecting relationships in profound ways. When people are constantly pushing themselves, they have little energy left for emotional intimacy or meaningful connection. They may become emotionally distant, irritable, or consumed by work, leaving partners, friends, and family feeling neglected or secondary.
Moreover, pushing beyond limits can create unconscious relational conflicts. When one partner in a relationship overworks or strives excessively, they may expect the same level of sacrifice from the other, fostering resentment or feelings of inadequacy. Relationships become transactional, based on productivity rather than emotional presence.
There is also a subtle societal competition in how people discuss being “busy” or “stressed.” It’s almost a badge of honor—a way of saying, “I’m important because I’m constantly needed.” This creates a cycle where being busy becomes a status symbol, making it even harder to honor limits without feeling left behind or insignificant.
The Need to Reclaim Our Humanity
To honor our limits is to reclaim what it means to be human. We are not machines designed for endless production; we are emotional, relational beings whose worth cannot be measured by how much we accomplish. Limits are not flaws to overcome—they are reminders that we exist within a natural rhythm of effort and rest, work and reflection, giving and receiving.
Relational psychoanalysis reminds us that healing comes from being truly seen and accepted, not for what we do but for who we are. Just as a therapist offers unconditional acceptance to a client, we must learn to extend the same compassion to ourselves. Recognizing our limits allows us to reconnect with ourselves and others from a place of authenticity, rather than performance.
In the words of psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, “It is a joy to be hidden, and a disaster not to be found.” This statement underscores the need for rest, solitude, and being known beyond what we can produce. Allowing ourselves to be “hidden”—to pause, to breathe—doesn’t make us weak. It allows us to be found again by others and, most importantly, by ourselves.
The limits we push against are often the very boundaries that preserve our humanity. Acknowledging them doesn’t mean giving up; it means embracing the fullness of life—its highs and lows, its action and rest. We are not infinite, and that is not a limitation. It is what makes us beautifully, imperfectly human.
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Why Do We Struggle to Set Boundaries? A Relational Perspective
From a relational and psychoanalytic perspective, the difficulty in setting boundaries often stems from deep-seated emotional patterns, unconscious relational dynamics, and early attachment experiences. Boundaries are not just about saying “no” or protecting personal space—they are an essential part of how we define ourselves in relation to others. Understanding the struggles with boundaries requires a closer look at our emotional and relational histories.
Boundaries as a Relational Construct
Boundaries are shaped by how we’ve been taught to relate to others. In psychoanalytic terms, the self is formed in relation to the “other” (parent, caregiver, or significant figures). If a child grows up in an environment where their needs are consistently dismissed, over-indulged, or not clearly understood, they may develop blurred boundaries as adults. They might struggle to assert their needs, fearing rejection, guilt, or loss of connection.
For example, a child who learns that love is conditional—offered only when they meet certain expectations—may grow into an adult who overextends themselves to please others. Setting boundaries in this context feels risky because it threatens the relational dynamic they’ve come to depend on.
Guilt and Fear in Boundary Setting
Boundary struggles often involve feelings of guilt and fear:
- Fear of Rejection: Saying “no” can evoke anxiety about being abandoned or perceived as unloving. Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott’s concept of the “false self” helps explain this. The false self develops as a defense mechanism to maintain relationships by pleasing others, even at the cost of personal authenticity.
- Guilt Over Prioritizing Self: In many cultural and familial contexts, prioritizing oneself is seen as selfish. This guilt can prevent individuals from setting healthy boundaries, especially in collectivist cultures like India, where family obligations are deeply ingrained.
Internalized Messages About Worth
From a psychoanalytic perspective, struggles with boundaries can also be linked to internalized messages about self-worth. If someone has grown up believing they must “earn” love through sacrifice, they may unconsciously allow others to overstep their boundaries. Relational therapy often focuses on uncovering these unconscious beliefs and exploring how they play out in present-day relationships.
The Role of Early Attachment Patterns
Attachment theory provides another lens to understand boundary difficulties. Individuals with insecure attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment, often have distorted perceptions of boundaries:
- Anxiously Attached Individuals: They may overextend themselves, unable to say “no,” for fear of pushing others away.
- Avoidantly Attached Individuals: They might set excessively rigid boundaries to avoid vulnerability, stemming from a fear of being hurt.
These patterns are shaped by early relationships with caregivers. A child who experiences inconsistent caregiving may grow up feeling unsure about how much of themselves they can safely offer to others, leading to either over- or under-engagement in adult relationships.
Societal and Cultural Influences on Boundaries
Society and culture also play a significant role. In patriarchal systems, for example, women are often socialized to prioritize others’ needs over their own. Men, too, face boundary struggles but are conditioned to express dominance or invulnerability, which can lead to difficulty respecting others’ boundaries.
In Indian contexts, traditional values emphasize familial interdependence, often at the expense of individual autonomy. This can make it challenging for individuals to assert personal boundaries without feeling disloyal or selfish.
Relational Healing and Boundary Work
Therapy offers a space to explore these dynamics and rebuild a healthier relationship with boundaries. Through the lens of relational psychoanalysis:
- Awareness of Patterns: Therapy helps individuals recognize how their relational histories shape their present struggles with boundaries.
- Building Self-Compassion: Acknowledging and validating past wounds fosters self-compassion, which is crucial for asserting boundaries without guilt.
- Practicing Boundaries in Relationships: The therapeutic relationship itself becomes a space to practice boundary setting, allowing clients to experiment with assertiveness in a safe environment.
For example, a client might explore how their reluctance to say “no” to a friend mirrors childhood experiences of feeling unheard or unimportant. Gradually, they can learn to say “no” in a way that feels respectful to themselves and others.
Conclusion: Boundaries as a Path to Authentic Connection
Setting boundaries is not about keeping people out; it’s about creating space for healthier, more authentic connections. Relational psychoanalysis reminds us that boundaries are not fixed but dynamic—they reflect our evolving needs and relationships. Healing boundary struggles involves uncovering the unconscious fears and beliefs that keep us stuck, practicing new ways of relating, and allowing ourselves the freedom to prioritize both connection and self-care.
Boundaries, at their core, are an act of self-respect. They invite us to honor our own needs while nurturing meaningful relationships with others.
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Why Do We Compare Ourselves to Others? A Relational Perspective
Comparison is an almost universal experience. Whether scrolling through social media, observing colleagues at work, or hearing about a friend’s success, we often measure our lives against others. But why do we do this, even when it leaves us feeling diminished or unworthy? From a relational lens, this behavior is not merely superficial or competitive; it reveals deeper psychological dynamics rooted in our sense of self, early relationships, and societal pressures.
The Roots of Comparison in Early Relationships
In psychoanalysis, our early relational experiences shape how we perceive ourselves and others. As infants, we develop our sense of self in relation to caregivers, absorbing their responses to our needs and emotions. When caregivers mirror us positively—reflecting back warmth, love, and validation—we develop a secure sense of self-worth. But when this mirroring is inconsistent, critical, or absent, we may internalize feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness.
Comparison often arises as an extension of this early relational dynamic. If we didn’t receive consistent validation, we might look outward to others as a way of assessing our value. This external reference point becomes a survival strategy to answer internal questions like: Am I good enough? Do I measure up?
The Role of the “Ideal Self”
Psychoanalytic theorists like Donald Winnicott and Heinz Kohut explore the concept of the ideal self, an internalized image of what we believe we should be. This ideal is often shaped by parental expectations, cultural norms, and societal standards. When we compare ourselves to others, we are often measuring ourselves against this idealized version of who we think we ought to be, rather than embracing who we are.
For example, a person might feel inadequate when seeing someone with a successful career or a seemingly perfect family. Beneath the surface, this may reflect unresolved anxieties about meeting internalized expectations of success, competence, or relational fulfillment.
The Cultural Dimension of Comparison
Relational psychoanalysis emphasizes that our identities are shaped not only by personal relationships but also by broader cultural and societal influences. In modern society, comparison is amplified by pervasive cultural messages about success, beauty, and happiness. Social media, in particular, presents curated, idealized versions of people’s lives, making it easy to feel as though we fall short.
Ashis Nandy, in his critique of postcolonial masculinity, highlights how societal pressures create rigid ideals of manliness, success, and strength. Similarly, Sudhir Kakar discusses how familial and cultural dynamics in India often place men under intense pressure to conform to societal expectations. This dynamic is not limited to men; people across genders experience societal pressures that fuel comparison and self-doubt.
The Interplay of Shame and Envy
Comparison often evokes feelings of shame or envy, both of which have deep psychoanalytic roots. Shame arises when we feel exposed, inadequate, or unworthy in comparison to others. Envy, on the other hand, emerges when we desire what someone else has but feel unable to attain it.
These emotions are not inherently “bad”; rather, they are signals pointing to unmet needs or unresolved conflicts within us. For instance, envy of a friend’s thriving career might reveal a deep desire for professional recognition or fulfillment that hasn’t been addressed.
Why We Compare—and How We Can Heal
From a relational perspective, comparison is not simply a flaw in our thinking but a reflection of our human need for connection and validation. We compare ourselves because we long to understand where we stand in the world and how we are valued by others. However, this strategy often backfires, leading to feelings of inadequacy and isolation.
Healing involves shifting the focus inward, reconnecting with our own needs, desires, and values rather than measuring ourselves against external standards. Relational psychotherapy offers a unique space to explore these dynamics. Through the therapeutic relationship, clients can examine how early experiences, societal messages, and internalized ideals contribute to their tendency to compare.
Practical Steps to Move Beyond Comparison
While deep healing takes time, there are steps we can take to reduce the grip of comparison in our daily lives:
Cultivate Self-Awareness: Notice when you are comparing yourself to others and reflect on what triggers these thoughts. Are there patterns tied to specific areas of your life, like relationships, work, or appearance?
Reconnect with Your Values: Ask yourself what truly matters to you, independent of societal expectations. Focusing on your own goals and values can reduce the pull of external comparisons.
Challenge the “Ideal Self”: Reflect on whether your internalized ideals are realistic or even your own. Are they rooted in your true desires, or do they reflect someone else’s expectations?
Practice Gratitude and Self-Compassion: Instead of fixating on what others have, acknowledge your own strengths, achievements, and growth. Treat yourself with the kindness you would offer a friend.
Limit Social Media Exposure: Be mindful of how much time you spend on platforms that amplify comparison. Consider curating your feed to include content that inspires rather than diminishes you.
Conclusion
Comparing ourselves to others is a deeply human tendency, shaped by our early relationships, societal pressures, and emotional dynamics. By understanding the roots of this behavior through a relational and psychoanalytic lens, we can begin to break free from its grip. The journey involves not only exploring the wounds that fuel comparison but also cultivating a deeper connection with ourselves—one that honors our unique worth and experiences. In doing so, we create space for authentic growth, self-acceptance, and meaningful connections with others.
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Why Do We Keep Apologizing? A Relational Perspective
Apologizing can be a healthy way to acknowledge mistakes, repair relationships, and show respect. However, some of us seem compelled to apologize constantly—even when it isn’t necessary. This pattern of over-apologizing can reveal deep-rooted emotional and relational dynamics. From a psychoanalytic and relational perspective, frequent apologizing may stem from early life experiences, internalized beliefs about self-worth, and a desire to maintain emotional stability within relationships.
Understanding the Urge to Apologize
At its core, an apology signals that we recognize how our actions affect others, and in relational terms, it’s a way to maintain harmony. But when we apologize excessively, often in situations where there’s no apparent fault, we may actually be managing internal anxiety and fears rather than genuinely responding to the needs of others. Let’s delve deeper into why this happens.
1. Early Life Experiences and Self-Worth
Over-apologizing often traces back to early childhood experiences, especially in environments where love, acceptance, or stability seemed conditional. For example, a child who grows up in a household where they’re frequently criticized or punished for minor infractions might internalize the belief that they’re always on the verge of doing something wrong. This internalized guilt and fear of disapproval can manifest later in life as an automatic reflex to apologize, even when they’ve done nothing wrong.
- Example: Imagine a young woman, Kavya, who frequently apologizes at work for things outside her control—like the weather affecting a scheduled meeting or an unexpected delay in an email response. If she examines her family dynamics, she may recall that as a child, she was often blamed for situations beyond her control, leading her to apologize as a way to preempt criticism or disappointment.
In psychoanalysis, this pattern of over-apologizing can be seen as a repetition compulsion, where individuals unconsciously repeat behaviours from their past in an attempt to master unresolved emotional conflicts.
2. Anxiety and the Desire for Control
Anxiety often fuels the need to apologize. Apologizing can become a coping mechanism for alleviating feelings of uncertainty or discomfort. When faced with situations that trigger anxiety, people may apologize as a way to regain a sense of control and protect themselves from potential conflict or disapproval.
- Example: Ahmad, a college student, often apologizes for taking up “too much space” during discussions, even when he’s asked to share his opinion. For Ahmad, apologizing is a way to avoid potential judgment or rejection. The act of apologizing gives him a sense of control, making him feel as though he’s preemptively addressing any possible disappointment from others.
This behaviour can also be linked to what psychoanalysis calls the superego, an internalized voice of societal and parental expectations. When the superego is overly harsh, individuals experience heightened self-criticism and anxiety, leading them to apologize even when it’s unnecessary.
3. Relational Dynamics and Maintaining Emotional Safety
From a relational perspective, constant apologizing can signal a deep-seated need to maintain harmony and emotional safety. Apologizing serves as a relational tool to bridge gaps or mitigate tension. For individuals who fear conflict, apologies act as a buffer, keeping relationships “safe” by appeasing others, even at the expense of one’s own needs or boundaries.
- Example: For Preeti, saying “I’m sorry” is almost automatic in her close relationships, even when someone else is at fault. Her friends have noticed that she often says, “I’m sorry you feel that way” when they express frustration, even though she isn’t responsible for their emotions. Preeti’s apology is her way of maintaining emotional closeness; in her mind, avoiding friction is more important than pointing out when she isn’t at fault.
Relational therapy suggests that such patterns stem from early attachment experiences. If a person learnt that expressing emotions or asserting boundaries leads to withdrawal or punishment, they may develop an automatic tendency to apologize, using it as a tool to keep relationships stable and prevent abandonment.
4. People-Pleasing and Fear of Rejection
For many, over-apologizing is intertwined with people-pleasing behaviours. People who struggle with self-worth often feel a strong need for external validation and fear disapproval or rejection. Apologizing excessively becomes a way to seek acceptance, implicitly asking for reassurance that they’re not causing harm.
- Example: Abhishekh apologizes for everything, even minor mistakes like mispronouncing someone’s name. Deep down, Abhishekh fears that if he doesn’t apologize, people will think less of him. His apologetic behavior stems from a desire to be seen as kind, non-threatening, and likable—a form of self-protection against the fear of social rejection.
Psychoanalytically, people-pleasing can be linked to the false self-concept, where individuals suppress their authentic feelings to meet the perceived needs of others. Over time, people-pleasers may lose touch with their own needs and boundaries, resulting in excessive apologizing.
5. Difficulty Asserting Boundaries
Some people find it difficult to assert their boundaries, and apologizing becomes a way to navigate this discomfort. When boundaries feel too intimidating or unfamiliar to set firmly, an apology can serve as a “softening” mechanism that minimizes potential backlash.
- Example: Somya often says, “I’m so sorry, but I can’t make it,” instead of simply stating her unavailability. Her habit of apologizing reflects an underlying discomfort with setting clear boundaries, stemming from a fear of being seen as inconsiderate or selfish.
In relational therapy, developing a stronger sense of self and autonomy can help individuals move away from excessive apologies. Building confidence in setting boundaries allows people to communicate directly and clearly without feeling the need to diminish their own needs through apologies.
Breaking the Cycle of Over-Apologizing
Recognizing and shifting this pattern of over-apologizing requires self-awareness and a willingness to confront the underlying emotions and beliefs. Here are a few steps toward understanding and addressing this behaviour:
- Notice the Context
Begin by paying attention to when you feel the urge to apologize. Are there specific situations or people that trigger this response? Are you apologizing for something beyond your control or for simply expressing yourself? - Pause and Reflect
Before automatically saying “I’m sorry,” take a moment to reflect. Ask yourself, “Is this apology necessary? Am I genuinely at fault, or am I apologizing out of habit?” - Challenge Internalized Beliefs
Reflect on the beliefs fueling your need to apologize. Do you feel responsible for others’ emotions? Are you afraid of conflict or rejection? Consider how these beliefs developed and whether they’re serving you. - Practice Setting Boundaries
Practising assertiveness and boundary-setting can help reduce the need to apologize as a form of relational maintenance. Remind yourself that it’s okay to say “no” or to express discomfort without apologizing for your needs. - Replace Apologies with Gratitude
In situations where you feel compelled to apologize for things like “taking up time” or “asking for help,” try expressing gratitude instead. For instance, say, “Thank you for listening” instead of “I’m sorry for venting.”
Final Thoughts
Over-apologizing can be a deeply ingrained habit, often rooted in complex emotional and relational experiences. Psychoanalysis and relational perspectives remind us that our behaviours don’t exist in isolation but are intertwined with our pasts, our anxieties, and our desires for connection. By examining these underlying dynamics, we can start to break free from the compulsion to apologize unnecessarily. Cultivating self-awareness and practising self-compassion helps us establish healthier boundaries and communicate more authentically—allowing us to connect without diminishing our own worth in the process.
As relational psychoanalyst Jessica Benjamin notes, “Recognition of the other is a recognition of the self.” When we honour our own needs without feeling the need to apologize for them, we create space for authentic, balanced relationships where mutual respect can flourish.
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The Essence of Psychology and Psychotherapy: A Deep Dive into Human Connection and Understanding
Psychology and psychotherapy, at their core, are about understanding the intricacies of the human mind, emotions, and behaviors. The essence of these fields lies in the deep, often transformative relationships between therapist and client, where healing and growth occur through exploration, insight, and connection. From the pioneering ideas of Sigmund Freud to the evolving theories of relational psychoanalysis, the heart of psychology has always been about more than just symptom relief—it’s about fostering genuine human understanding.
Freud and the Birth of Psychoanalysis
Sigmund Freud, often regarded as the father of psychoanalysis, revolutionized the way we think about the mind and therapy. His concept of the unconscious mind—where repressed thoughts, memories, and desires reside—opened up new avenues for understanding human behavior. Freud’s idea of transference, where clients project feelings about significant figures in their lives onto the therapist, highlighted the importance of the therapeutic relationship. This relationship, Freud argued, was the vessel through which unconscious conflicts could be brought to the surface, understood, and resolved.
Freud’s focus on the therapeutic relationship laid the groundwork for future developments in psychology. He recognized that therapy was not just about intellectual understanding but about emotional experiences and the dynamic interplay between therapist and client. This relational aspect is a cornerstone of modern psychotherapy.
The Evolution of Relational Psychoanalysis
Building on Freud’s foundational work, relational psychoanalysis emerged as a significant force in contemporary therapy. This approach, championed by thinkers like Stephen Mitchell and Jessica Benjamin, shifted the focus from the isolated mind of the individual to the interactions and relationships that shape a person’s psyche. Relational psychoanalysis posits that our sense of self is formed and continually reshaped through our relationships with others.
In relational psychoanalysis, the therapist-client relationship is seen as a microcosm of the client’s broader relational patterns. The therapeutic relationship itself becomes a space where new, healthier patterns can be explored and enacted. Unlike traditional psychoanalysis, which might focus on the therapist as a neutral observer, relational psychoanalysis views the therapist as an active participant in the therapeutic process. The mutual influence between therapist and client is acknowledged and utilized as a tool for change.
This perspective emphasizes that healing occurs not just through insight into past experiences but through the experience of a different kind of relationship within therapy—one that is authentic, validating, and empowering. The therapist’s genuine engagement, empathy, and responsiveness are crucial in creating a space where the client can explore their vulnerabilities, fears, and desires.
The Broader Field of Psychotherapy: Diverse Approaches, Unified Goals
Beyond psychoanalysis, various other schools of thought have contributed to the understanding of the therapeutic process. Humanistic psychologists like Carl Rogers emphasized the importance of unconditional positive regard, empathy, and genuineness in therapy. Rogers believed that for clients to grow and heal, they needed to feel deeply understood and accepted by their therapist. His person-centered approach underscored the idea that the therapeutic relationship itself is a powerful agent of change.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), while often seen as more structured and goal-oriented, also recognizes the importance of the therapeutic alliance. Studies have shown that the quality of the relationship between therapist and client significantly influences outcomes, even in more directive therapies like CBT. The trust and collaboration between client and therapist create a foundation for effective intervention, regardless of the specific techniques used.
The Essence of Therapy: Connection, Understanding, and Growth
At its essence, psychology and psychotherapy are about connection—connecting with oneself, with others, and with deeper truths about the human experience. The therapeutic relationship is a space where clients can explore who they are, how they relate to others, and how they can grow and change. This relationship is not just a means to an end; it is an end in itself, a vital part of the healing process.
In a world that often prioritizes quick fixes and measurable outcomes, it’s crucial to remember the deeper purpose of therapy. The true essence of psychology is not in symptom reduction alone but in fostering a journey of self-discovery, growth, and transformation. It’s about helping people understand themselves more deeply, connect more authentically with others, and live more meaningful lives.
Relational Psychoanalysis: A New Paradigm for Understanding
Relational psychoanalysis offers a unique lens through which to view the therapeutic process. It challenges the notion of the therapist as a detached expert and instead positions them as a co-participant in the therapeutic journey. This approach recognizes that both therapist and client bring their histories, biases, and relational patterns into the therapy room, and that these dynamics play a crucial role in the process of change.
The relational approach also highlights the importance of power dynamics in therapy. It acknowledges that the therapist, by virtue of their role, holds power in the relationship, but it also emphasizes the need for the therapist to be aware of this power and to use it responsibly. By fostering a collaborative, egalitarian relationship, the therapist can create a space where the client feels empowered to explore and transform their relational patterns.
Conclusion: Reclaiming the Essence of Psychology
In today’s fast-paced, outcome-driven world, it’s easy to lose sight of the true essence of psychology and psychotherapy. But the work of Freud, Rogers, and the pioneers of relational psychoanalysis reminds us that the heart of therapy lies in the relationship between therapist and client. It’s in this relationship that healing, growth, and transformation occur.
As we move forward in the field of psychology, it’s essential to hold onto these core values. Therapy should not be reduced to a set of techniques or quick fixes; it should be a space where genuine human connection and understanding take place. By prioritizing the therapeutic relationship, we honor the true essence of psychology—a field dedicated to helping people live fuller, more meaningful lives.
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The State of Mainstream Psychology and Mental Health in India: A Patch on Capitalism
Psychology has long been recognized as a vital field focused on understanding the human mind and behavior, fostering well-being, and addressing mental health disorders. However, recently, it feels as though the psychology and mental health in India are being co-opted by capitalism, particularly in corporate settings. This shift has compromised the essence of psychology, reducing it to a tool that serves economic interests rather than prioritizing genuine mental health care.
The Essence of Psychology
At its core, psychology is dedicated to exploring the complexities of the human psyche, considering factors that influence thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. The therapeutic relationship between a psychologist and a client is the most important factor in effective mental health care. It requires patience, empathy, and a deep commitment to long-term healing. Most psychological approaches emphasize the importance of this relationship, focusing on understanding the client’s experiences and fostering a journey of self-realization and growth. However, the modern-day crisis in mental health care has made us forget this fundamental idea of the therapeutic relationship.
The Corporate Influence on Mental Health
The corporate sector, driven by profit and efficiency, often demands quick fixes and measurable outcomes. This creates a clash with the fundamental principles of psychology, which advocate for a thorough and patient approach to mental health treatment. For instance, my recent job interviews in corporate mental health settings highlighted this disconnect.
During one interview at a well-known hospital, I was made to wait for two and a half hours before being called in. When the interview finally began, the psychiatrist seemed disinterested, impatient, and hurried. He didn’t even seem to differentiate between relational psychoanalysis and classical psychodynamics, dismissing a field he clearly didn’t understand. This interaction reflected a larger issue in corporate mental health settings: the prioritization of efficiency and profit over meaningful, patient-centered care.
The Agitation of the Corporate Therapist
The psychiatrist’s frustration during the interview, especially after a long day, underscores a broader issue in corporate mental health environments. Therapists working in these settings are often overworked and under pressure to deliver immediate results. This pressure can lead to a superficial approach to therapy, focusing on short-term symptom relief rather than addressing underlying mental health struggles. These shortcuts undermine the therapeutic process and cater to the capitalist demand for quick fixes in therapy, rather than true emotional healing.
The Loss of True Therapeutic Value
In a capitalist framework, the deep, relational aspects of therapy are often overshadowed by the need for productivity and cost-effectiveness. People seeking help for their emotional distress are often caught in a system that is just as stressful as the one they are trying to escape. Therapists, too, become cogs in the capitalist machine, unable to practice the patient, empathetic care that is essential for true mental health care. As a result, the essence of therapy — fostering emotional well-being and long-term healing — is lost in favor of short-term productivity.
The Call for Change
It’s crucial to recognize and resist the growing capitalist influence on psychology. The field must reclaim its roots, emphasizing the importance of the therapeutic relationship and the slow, patient work of understanding and healing. Mental health care should not be reduced to a series of quick fixes but should focus on fostering genuine, long-term well-being. The therapeutic process should be seen as a journey of self-realization, where therapists work to understand their clients’ unique experiences, helping them grow emotionally and mentally.
As we face the challenges of modern life, it is essential to protect the essence of psychology, resisting the pressures of capitalism that threaten its ability to provide meaningful, effective care. Mental health care should always prioritize healing, understanding, and emotional growth over mere productivity. Only then can we ensure that psychology remains a source of hope, healing, and support in an increasingly stressful world.
(Keywords: Mental health care, Anxiety disorders, Depression treatment, Corporate mental health, Relational psychoanalysis, Classical psychodynamics, Mental health struggles, Emotional well-being, Chronic stress, Therapeutic relationship, Capitalism in mental health, Quick fixes in therapy, Long-term healing, Psychosocial approaches, Mental health disorders, Mental Health In India, Mental health advocacy, Self-realization, Emotional distress.)
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