Why Do We Compare Ourselves to Others? A Relational Perspective
Comparison is an almost universal experience. Whether scrolling through social media, observing colleagues at work, or hearing about a friend’s success, we often measure our lives against others. But why do we do this, even when it leaves us feeling diminished or unworthy? From a relational lens, this behavior is not merely superficial or competitive; it reveals deeper psychological dynamics rooted in our sense of self, early relationships, and societal pressures.
The Roots of Comparison in Early Relationships
In psychoanalysis, our early relational experiences shape how we perceive ourselves and others. As infants, we develop our sense of self in relation to caregivers, absorbing their responses to our needs and emotions. When caregivers mirror us positively—reflecting back warmth, love, and validation—we develop a secure sense of self-worth. But when this mirroring is inconsistent, critical, or absent, we may internalize feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness.
Comparison often arises as an extension of this early relational dynamic. If we didn’t receive consistent validation, we might look outward to others as a way of assessing our value. This external reference point becomes a survival strategy to answer internal questions like: Am I good enough? Do I measure up?
The Role of the “Ideal Self”
Psychoanalytic theorists like Donald Winnicott and Heinz Kohut explore the concept of the ideal self, an internalized image of what we believe we should be. This ideal is often shaped by parental expectations, cultural norms, and societal standards. When we compare ourselves to others, we are often measuring ourselves against this idealized version of who we think we ought to be, rather than embracing who we are.
For example, a person might feel inadequate when seeing someone with a successful career or a seemingly perfect family. Beneath the surface, this may reflect unresolved anxieties about meeting internalized expectations of success, competence, or relational fulfillment.
The Cultural Dimension of Comparison
Relational psychoanalysis emphasizes that our identities are shaped not only by personal relationships but also by broader cultural and societal influences. In modern society, comparison is amplified by pervasive cultural messages about success, beauty, and happiness. Social media, in particular, presents curated, idealized versions of people’s lives, making it easy to feel as though we fall short.
Ashis Nandy, in his critique of postcolonial masculinity, highlights how societal pressures create rigid ideals of manliness, success, and strength. Similarly, Sudhir Kakar discusses how familial and cultural dynamics in India often place men under intense pressure to conform to societal expectations. This dynamic is not limited to men; people across genders experience societal pressures that fuel comparison and self-doubt.
The Interplay of Shame and Envy
Comparison often evokes feelings of shame or envy, both of which have deep psychoanalytic roots. Shame arises when we feel exposed, inadequate, or unworthy in comparison to others. Envy, on the other hand, emerges when we desire what someone else has but feel unable to attain it.
These emotions are not inherently “bad”; rather, they are signals pointing to unmet needs or unresolved conflicts within us. For instance, envy of a friend’s thriving career might reveal a deep desire for professional recognition or fulfillment that hasn’t been addressed.
Why We Compare—and How We Can Heal
From a relational perspective, comparison is not simply a flaw in our thinking but a reflection of our human need for connection and validation. We compare ourselves because we long to understand where we stand in the world and how we are valued by others. However, this strategy often backfires, leading to feelings of inadequacy and isolation.
Healing involves shifting the focus inward, reconnecting with our own needs, desires, and values rather than measuring ourselves against external standards. Relational psychotherapy offers a unique space to explore these dynamics. Through the therapeutic relationship, clients can examine how early experiences, societal messages, and internalized ideals contribute to their tendency to compare.
Practical Steps to Move Beyond Comparison
While deep healing takes time, there are steps we can take to reduce the grip of comparison in our daily lives:
Cultivate Self-Awareness: Notice when you are comparing yourself to others and reflect on what triggers these thoughts. Are there patterns tied to specific areas of your life, like relationships, work, or appearance?
Reconnect with Your Values: Ask yourself what truly matters to you, independent of societal expectations. Focusing on your own goals and values can reduce the pull of external comparisons.
Challenge the “Ideal Self”: Reflect on whether your internalized ideals are realistic or even your own. Are they rooted in your true desires, or do they reflect someone else’s expectations?
Practice Gratitude and Self-Compassion: Instead of fixating on what others have, acknowledge your own strengths, achievements, and growth. Treat yourself with the kindness you would offer a friend.
Limit Social Media Exposure: Be mindful of how much time you spend on platforms that amplify comparison. Consider curating your feed to include content that inspires rather than diminishes you.
Conclusion
Comparing ourselves to others is a deeply human tendency, shaped by our early relationships, societal pressures, and emotional dynamics. By understanding the roots of this behavior through a relational and psychoanalytic lens, we can begin to break free from its grip. The journey involves not only exploring the wounds that fuel comparison but also cultivating a deeper connection with ourselves—one that honors our unique worth and experiences. In doing so, we create space for authentic growth, self-acceptance, and meaningful connections with others.
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Why Do We Keep Apologizing? A Relational Perspective
Apologizing can be a healthy way to acknowledge mistakes, repair relationships, and show respect. However, some of us seem compelled to apologize constantly—even when it isn’t necessary. This pattern of over-apologizing can reveal deep-rooted emotional and relational dynamics. From a psychoanalytic and relational perspective, frequent apologizing may stem from early life experiences, internalized beliefs about self-worth, and a desire to maintain emotional stability within relationships.
Understanding the Urge to Apologize
At its core, an apology signals that we recognize how our actions affect others, and in relational terms, it’s a way to maintain harmony. But when we apologize excessively, often in situations where there’s no apparent fault, we may actually be managing internal anxiety and fears rather than genuinely responding to the needs of others. Let’s delve deeper into why this happens.
1. Early Life Experiences and Self-Worth
Over-apologizing often traces back to early childhood experiences, especially in environments where love, acceptance, or stability seemed conditional. For example, a child who grows up in a household where they’re frequently criticized or punished for minor infractions might internalize the belief that they’re always on the verge of doing something wrong. This internalized guilt and fear of disapproval can manifest later in life as an automatic reflex to apologize, even when they’ve done nothing wrong.
- Example: Imagine a young woman, Kavya, who frequently apologizes at work for things outside her control—like the weather affecting a scheduled meeting or an unexpected delay in an email response. If she examines her family dynamics, she may recall that as a child, she was often blamed for situations beyond her control, leading her to apologize as a way to preempt criticism or disappointment.
In psychoanalysis, this pattern of over-apologizing can be seen as a repetition compulsion, where individuals unconsciously repeat behaviours from their past in an attempt to master unresolved emotional conflicts.
2. Anxiety and the Desire for Control
Anxiety often fuels the need to apologize. Apologizing can become a coping mechanism for alleviating feelings of uncertainty or discomfort. When faced with situations that trigger anxiety, people may apologize as a way to regain a sense of control and protect themselves from potential conflict or disapproval.
- Example: Ahmad, a college student, often apologizes for taking up “too much space” during discussions, even when he’s asked to share his opinion. For Ahmad, apologizing is a way to avoid potential judgment or rejection. The act of apologizing gives him a sense of control, making him feel as though he’s preemptively addressing any possible disappointment from others.
This behaviour can also be linked to what psychoanalysis calls the superego, an internalized voice of societal and parental expectations. When the superego is overly harsh, individuals experience heightened self-criticism and anxiety, leading them to apologize even when it’s unnecessary.
3. Relational Dynamics and Maintaining Emotional Safety
From a relational perspective, constant apologizing can signal a deep-seated need to maintain harmony and emotional safety. Apologizing serves as a relational tool to bridge gaps or mitigate tension. For individuals who fear conflict, apologies act as a buffer, keeping relationships “safe” by appeasing others, even at the expense of one’s own needs or boundaries.
- Example: For Preeti, saying “I’m sorry” is almost automatic in her close relationships, even when someone else is at fault. Her friends have noticed that she often says, “I’m sorry you feel that way” when they express frustration, even though she isn’t responsible for their emotions. Preeti’s apology is her way of maintaining emotional closeness; in her mind, avoiding friction is more important than pointing out when she isn’t at fault.
Relational therapy suggests that such patterns stem from early attachment experiences. If a person learnt that expressing emotions or asserting boundaries leads to withdrawal or punishment, they may develop an automatic tendency to apologize, using it as a tool to keep relationships stable and prevent abandonment.
4. People-Pleasing and Fear of Rejection
For many, over-apologizing is intertwined with people-pleasing behaviours. People who struggle with self-worth often feel a strong need for external validation and fear disapproval or rejection. Apologizing excessively becomes a way to seek acceptance, implicitly asking for reassurance that they’re not causing harm.
- Example: Abhishekh apologizes for everything, even minor mistakes like mispronouncing someone’s name. Deep down, Abhishekh fears that if he doesn’t apologize, people will think less of him. His apologetic behavior stems from a desire to be seen as kind, non-threatening, and likable—a form of self-protection against the fear of social rejection.
Psychoanalytically, people-pleasing can be linked to the false self-concept, where individuals suppress their authentic feelings to meet the perceived needs of others. Over time, people-pleasers may lose touch with their own needs and boundaries, resulting in excessive apologizing.
5. Difficulty Asserting Boundaries
Some people find it difficult to assert their boundaries, and apologizing becomes a way to navigate this discomfort. When boundaries feel too intimidating or unfamiliar to set firmly, an apology can serve as a “softening” mechanism that minimizes potential backlash.
- Example: Somya often says, “I’m so sorry, but I can’t make it,” instead of simply stating her unavailability. Her habit of apologizing reflects an underlying discomfort with setting clear boundaries, stemming from a fear of being seen as inconsiderate or selfish.
In relational therapy, developing a stronger sense of self and autonomy can help individuals move away from excessive apologies. Building confidence in setting boundaries allows people to communicate directly and clearly without feeling the need to diminish their own needs through apologies.
Breaking the Cycle of Over-Apologizing
Recognizing and shifting this pattern of over-apologizing requires self-awareness and a willingness to confront the underlying emotions and beliefs. Here are a few steps toward understanding and addressing this behaviour:
- Notice the Context
Begin by paying attention to when you feel the urge to apologize. Are there specific situations or people that trigger this response? Are you apologizing for something beyond your control or for simply expressing yourself? - Pause and Reflect
Before automatically saying “I’m sorry,” take a moment to reflect. Ask yourself, “Is this apology necessary? Am I genuinely at fault, or am I apologizing out of habit?” - Challenge Internalized Beliefs
Reflect on the beliefs fueling your need to apologize. Do you feel responsible for others’ emotions? Are you afraid of conflict or rejection? Consider how these beliefs developed and whether they’re serving you. - Practice Setting Boundaries
Practising assertiveness and boundary-setting can help reduce the need to apologize as a form of relational maintenance. Remind yourself that it’s okay to say “no” or to express discomfort without apologizing for your needs. - Replace Apologies with Gratitude
In situations where you feel compelled to apologize for things like “taking up time” or “asking for help,” try expressing gratitude instead. For instance, say, “Thank you for listening” instead of “I’m sorry for venting.”
Final Thoughts
Over-apologizing can be a deeply ingrained habit, often rooted in complex emotional and relational experiences. Psychoanalysis and relational perspectives remind us that our behaviours don’t exist in isolation but are intertwined with our pasts, our anxieties, and our desires for connection. By examining these underlying dynamics, we can start to break free from the compulsion to apologize unnecessarily. Cultivating self-awareness and practising self-compassion helps us establish healthier boundaries and communicate more authentically—allowing us to connect without diminishing our own worth in the process.
As relational psychoanalyst Jessica Benjamin notes, “Recognition of the other is a recognition of the self.” When we honour our own needs without feeling the need to apologize for them, we create space for authentic, balanced relationships where mutual respect can flourish.
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The Healing Power of Psychotherapy: More Than Just Uncovering the Past
Understanding the Essence of Psychotherapy
Psychotherapy is often seen as a powerful tool for healing, yet the nature of this healing is frequently misunderstood. While many believe that our mental struggles stem from past experiences we have repressed or forgotten, the truth is that healing is a multifaceted journey. The conventional view posits that traumatic moments from our past—be it neglect, humiliation, or emotional abuse—linger in our unconscious, disrupting our lives. The therapeutic journey then resembles a detective story, where the therapist guides us in uncovering these buried traumas to find relief.
The Detective Analogy: A Limited Perspective
In this narrative, it’s commonly thought that identifying the root cause of our pain—perhaps a belittling father or a mother who struggled with depression—will lead to healing. This perspective is appealing because it suggests a straightforward solution: uncover the trauma, and we will be free from its grip. However, while this view holds some truth, it overlooks a critical aspect of psychotherapy’s benefits.
Healing goes beyond merely understanding the past; it involves experiencing a new kind of relationship with another person—one that may have been absent during our formative years. Knowledge alone is insufficient for healing; we cannot simply grasp the facts about our painful experiences and expect to feel better. True recovery occurs when we have the opportunity to redefine our emotional landscape in the presence of a therapist who embodies the qualities that our original caregivers may not have provided: presence, kindness, empathy, and understanding.
The Role of the Therapist: A Reparative Relationship
The therapist’s role is not solely to unearth painful memories; it’s also to fill the emotional void created by past traumas. Through sustained interactions characterized by warmth, patience, and generosity, clients can begin to heal from fear, loneliness, panic, and shame. This reparative experience is essential for overcoming the scars of earlier wounds.
The therapeutic relationship provides a unique opportunity to rewrite our emotional narratives. It allows clients to experience what healthy, supportive relationships look like, helping them understand their worth and fostering a sense of safety that may have been missing in their earlier experiences.
The Challenge of Authentic Connection
However, this approach complicates psychotherapy significantly. It requires a genuine and authentic connection between the client and therapist—something that is not easily achieved. If a therapist is cold, judgmental, or emotionally distant, the healing process can falter. Unlike traditional medicine, where one can dislike a doctor but still benefit from their treatment, psychotherapy relies on a profound sense of trust in the therapist’s goodness, maturity, and kindness.
This level of connection is rare and often requires multiple sessions to develop, much like the bond with a true friend. Finding a therapist who embodies these qualities is crucial; without this bond, the therapeutic process can feel ineffective or even counterproductive.
The Long-Term Commitment to Healing
Additionally, this understanding of therapy tends to make it more costly and lengthy than many might prefer. If we view therapy as a mere quest to uncover hidden trauma, we may hope for quick fixes, believing that resolution is just a few sessions away. However, if we embrace the notion that healing is a process rooted in a reparative relationship, we may need to engage in therapy consistently over a longer period—perhaps weeks, months, or even years.
This extended commitment can create challenges, particularly for those navigating busy lives or seeking to avoid the complexities of emotional healing. Insurance companies and employers often favour quicker solutions, leading to a temptation to view therapy solely as a means to discover and address trauma.
The Danger of Superficial Healing
Yet, if we allow this temptation to shape our approach, we risk settling for a superficial understanding of therapy—one that seeks immediate relief without recognizing the need for a nurturing and supportive therapeutic relationship. True healing comes from shifting our perspective from the therapist as a detective to the therapist as a reparenter.
This change in perspective is essential for fostering genuine growth. We must recognize that healing is not merely about discovering past traumas but about creating a new foundation for emotional health and well-being. By prioritizing the quality of our therapeutic relationships, we set ourselves on a path to deeper understanding and lasting change.
Conclusion: Investing in the Healing Journey
Ultimately, by investing in a therapeutic relationship that genuinely supports our emotional growth, we honour our healing journey and set the stage for profound transformation. In seeking a therapist who embodies the qualities of an ideal caregiver, we can hope to find a solution that repays our trust and investment—a path toward a more fulfilling and emotionally healthy life.
Through this understanding, we empower ourselves to embrace the complexity of healing and to recognize the vital role of relationships in our journey toward emotional wellness. The path may be longer and more intricate than we initially envisioned, but the rewards of such an investment can lead to a deeper sense of self and a richer, more connected life.
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The Essence of Psychology and Psychotherapy: A Deep Dive into Human Connection and Understanding
Psychology and psychotherapy, at their core, are about understanding the intricacies of the human mind, emotions, and behaviors. The essence of these fields lies in the deep, often transformative relationships between therapist and client, where healing and growth occur through exploration, insight, and connection. From the pioneering ideas of Sigmund Freud to the evolving theories of relational psychoanalysis, the heart of psychology has always been about more than just symptom relief—it’s about fostering genuine human understanding.
Freud and the Birth of Psychoanalysis
Sigmund Freud, often regarded as the father of psychoanalysis, revolutionized the way we think about the mind and therapy. His concept of the unconscious mind—where repressed thoughts, memories, and desires reside—opened up new avenues for understanding human behavior. Freud’s idea of transference, where clients project feelings about significant figures in their lives onto the therapist, highlighted the importance of the therapeutic relationship. This relationship, Freud argued, was the vessel through which unconscious conflicts could be brought to the surface, understood, and resolved.
Freud’s focus on the therapeutic relationship laid the groundwork for future developments in psychology. He recognized that therapy was not just about intellectual understanding but about emotional experiences and the dynamic interplay between therapist and client. This relational aspect is a cornerstone of modern psychotherapy.
The Evolution of Relational Psychoanalysis
Building on Freud’s foundational work, relational psychoanalysis emerged as a significant force in contemporary therapy. This approach, championed by thinkers like Stephen Mitchell and Jessica Benjamin, shifted the focus from the isolated mind of the individual to the interactions and relationships that shape a person’s psyche. Relational psychoanalysis posits that our sense of self is formed and continually reshaped through our relationships with others.
In relational psychoanalysis, the therapist-client relationship is seen as a microcosm of the client’s broader relational patterns. The therapeutic relationship itself becomes a space where new, healthier patterns can be explored and enacted. Unlike traditional psychoanalysis, which might focus on the therapist as a neutral observer, relational psychoanalysis views the therapist as an active participant in the therapeutic process. The mutual influence between therapist and client is acknowledged and utilized as a tool for change.
This perspective emphasizes that healing occurs not just through insight into past experiences but through the experience of a different kind of relationship within therapy—one that is authentic, validating, and empowering. The therapist’s genuine engagement, empathy, and responsiveness are crucial in creating a space where the client can explore their vulnerabilities, fears, and desires.
The Broader Field of Psychotherapy: Diverse Approaches, Unified Goals
Beyond psychoanalysis, various other schools of thought have contributed to the understanding of the therapeutic process. Humanistic psychologists like Carl Rogers emphasized the importance of unconditional positive regard, empathy, and genuineness in therapy. Rogers believed that for clients to grow and heal, they needed to feel deeply understood and accepted by their therapist. His person-centered approach underscored the idea that the therapeutic relationship itself is a powerful agent of change.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), while often seen as more structured and goal-oriented, also recognizes the importance of the therapeutic alliance. Studies have shown that the quality of the relationship between therapist and client significantly influences outcomes, even in more directive therapies like CBT. The trust and collaboration between client and therapist create a foundation for effective intervention, regardless of the specific techniques used.
The Essence of Therapy: Connection, Understanding, and Growth
At its essence, psychology and psychotherapy are about connection—connecting with oneself, with others, and with deeper truths about the human experience. The therapeutic relationship is a space where clients can explore who they are, how they relate to others, and how they can grow and change. This relationship is not just a means to an end; it is an end in itself, a vital part of the healing process.
In a world that often prioritizes quick fixes and measurable outcomes, it’s crucial to remember the deeper purpose of therapy. The true essence of psychology is not in symptom reduction alone but in fostering a journey of self-discovery, growth, and transformation. It’s about helping people understand themselves more deeply, connect more authentically with others, and live more meaningful lives.
Relational Psychoanalysis: A New Paradigm for Understanding
Relational psychoanalysis offers a unique lens through which to view the therapeutic process. It challenges the notion of the therapist as a detached expert and instead positions them as a co-participant in the therapeutic journey. This approach recognizes that both therapist and client bring their histories, biases, and relational patterns into the therapy room, and that these dynamics play a crucial role in the process of change.
The relational approach also highlights the importance of power dynamics in therapy. It acknowledges that the therapist, by virtue of their role, holds power in the relationship, but it also emphasizes the need for the therapist to be aware of this power and to use it responsibly. By fostering a collaborative, egalitarian relationship, the therapist can create a space where the client feels empowered to explore and transform their relational patterns.
Conclusion: Reclaiming the Essence of Psychology
In today’s fast-paced, outcome-driven world, it’s easy to lose sight of the true essence of psychology and psychotherapy. But the work of Freud, Rogers, and the pioneers of relational psychoanalysis reminds us that the heart of therapy lies in the relationship between therapist and client. It’s in this relationship that healing, growth, and transformation occur.
As we move forward in the field of psychology, it’s essential to hold onto these core values. Therapy should not be reduced to a set of techniques or quick fixes; it should be a space where genuine human connection and understanding take place. By prioritizing the therapeutic relationship, we honor the true essence of psychology—a field dedicated to helping people live fuller, more meaningful lives.
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The State of Mainstream Psychology in India: A Patch on Capitalism
Psychology has historically been seen as a vital field dedicated to understanding the human mind and behavior, fostering well-being, and addressing mental health issues. But lately, it feels like the field is being co-opted by capitalism, especially within corporate settings. This shift has compromised the essence of psychology, reducing it to a tool that serves economic interests rather than prioritizing genuine mental health care.
The Essence of Psychology
At its core, psychology aims to delve deeply into the experience of the human psyche, exploring factors that influence thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. The therapeutic relationship between a psychologist and a client is most important factor. It requires patience, empathy, and a commitment from therapist side for long-term healing. Most of the approaches of psychology emphasize the importance of this relationship, focusing on understanding the client’s experiences and fostering a journey of self-discovery and growth. But the modern-day crisis has made us forget about this very basic idea of the therapeutic relationship.
The Corporate Influence
The corporate sector, driven by profit and efficiency, often demands quick fixes and measurable outcomes. This clashes with the fundamental principles of psychology, which advocate for a thorough and patient approach to mental health care. My recent job interviews in corporate mental health settings really brought this to light.
For instance, during an interview at a well-known hospital, I was made to wait for two and a half hours before being called in. When the interview finally began, the psychiatrist conducting it was clearly in a hurry and disinterested in my responses. He didn’t even seem to know the difference between relational psychoanalysis and classical psychodynamics, and showing dismissive attitude towards a field he seemingly knew little about, was disheartening. This showed a glaring disconnect between what corporate settings expect and what real psychological practice should be about.
The Agitation of the Corporate Therapist
The psychiatrist’s frustration during my interview, especially after a long day, reflects a broader issue in corporate mental health settings. Therapists in these environments are often overworked and under pressure to deliver quick results. This pressure can lead to a superficial approach to therapy, focusing on immediate symptom relief rather than addressing underlying issues. These shortcuts undermine the therapeutic process and serve the capitalist demand for efficiency over real effectiveness.
The Loss of True Therapeutic Value
In a capitalist framework, the deep, relational aspects of therapy are often overshadowed by a need for productivity and cost-effectiveness. People seeking help from their mental health struggles end up in a system that’s just as stressful as what they’re trying to escape. Therapists, too, become cogs in the capitalist machine, unable to practice the patient, empathetic care that is essential for true healing.
The Call for Change
It’s crucial to recognize and resist the capitalist encroachment on psychology. The field must reclaim its roots, emphasizing the importance of the therapeutic relationship and the slow, patient work of understanding and healing. Mental health care should not be about quick fixes but about fostering genuine, long-term well-being.
The essence of psychology lies in its ability to connect deeply with individuals, understand their unique experiences, and guide them towards self-realization and healing. As we face the challenges of modern life, we need to protect this essence, resisting the pressures of capitalism to ensure that psychology remains a source of hope and healing in an increasingly stressful world.
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