Why Do We Compare Ourselves to Others? A Relational Perspective
Comparison is an almost universal experience. Whether scrolling through social media, observing colleagues at work, or hearing about a friend’s success, we often measure our lives against others. But why do we do this, even when it leaves us feeling diminished or unworthy? From a relational lens, this behavior is not merely superficial or competitive; it reveals deeper psychological dynamics rooted in our sense of self, early relationships, and societal pressures.
The Roots of Comparison in Early Relationships
In psychoanalysis, our early relational experiences shape how we perceive ourselves and others. As infants, we develop our sense of self in relation to caregivers, absorbing their responses to our needs and emotions. When caregivers mirror us positively—reflecting back warmth, love, and validation—we develop a secure sense of self-worth. But when this mirroring is inconsistent, critical, or absent, we may internalize feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness.
Comparison often arises as an extension of this early relational dynamic. If we didn’t receive consistent validation, we might look outward to others as a way of assessing our value. This external reference point becomes a survival strategy to answer internal questions like: Am I good enough? Do I measure up?
The Role of the “Ideal Self”
Psychoanalytic theorists like Donald Winnicott and Heinz Kohut explore the concept of the ideal self, an internalized image of what we believe we should be. This ideal is often shaped by parental expectations, cultural norms, and societal standards. When we compare ourselves to others, we are often measuring ourselves against this idealized version of who we think we ought to be, rather than embracing who we are.
For example, a person might feel inadequate when seeing someone with a successful career or a seemingly perfect family. Beneath the surface, this may reflect unresolved anxieties about meeting internalized expectations of success, competence, or relational fulfillment.
The Cultural Dimension of Comparison
Relational psychoanalysis emphasizes that our identities are shaped not only by personal relationships but also by broader cultural and societal influences. In modern society, comparison is amplified by pervasive cultural messages about success, beauty, and happiness. Social media, in particular, presents curated, idealized versions of people’s lives, making it easy to feel as though we fall short.
Ashis Nandy, in his critique of postcolonial masculinity, highlights how societal pressures create rigid ideals of manliness, success, and strength. Similarly, Sudhir Kakar discusses how familial and cultural dynamics in India often place men under intense pressure to conform to societal expectations. This dynamic is not limited to men; people across genders experience societal pressures that fuel comparison and self-doubt.
The Interplay of Shame and Envy
Comparison often evokes feelings of shame or envy, both of which have deep psychoanalytic roots. Shame arises when we feel exposed, inadequate, or unworthy in comparison to others. Envy, on the other hand, emerges when we desire what someone else has but feel unable to attain it.
These emotions are not inherently “bad”; rather, they are signals pointing to unmet needs or unresolved conflicts within us. For instance, envy of a friend’s thriving career might reveal a deep desire for professional recognition or fulfillment that hasn’t been addressed.
Why We Compare—and How We Can Heal
From a relational perspective, comparison is not simply a flaw in our thinking but a reflection of our human need for connection and validation. We compare ourselves because we long to understand where we stand in the world and how we are valued by others. However, this strategy often backfires, leading to feelings of inadequacy and isolation.
Healing involves shifting the focus inward, reconnecting with our own needs, desires, and values rather than measuring ourselves against external standards. Relational psychotherapy offers a unique space to explore these dynamics. Through the therapeutic relationship, clients can examine how early experiences, societal messages, and internalized ideals contribute to their tendency to compare.
Practical Steps to Move Beyond Comparison
While deep healing takes time, there are steps we can take to reduce the grip of comparison in our daily lives:
Cultivate Self-Awareness: Notice when you are comparing yourself to others and reflect on what triggers these thoughts. Are there patterns tied to specific areas of your life, like relationships, work, or appearance?
Reconnect with Your Values: Ask yourself what truly matters to you, independent of societal expectations. Focusing on your own goals and values can reduce the pull of external comparisons.
Challenge the “Ideal Self”: Reflect on whether your internalized ideals are realistic or even your own. Are they rooted in your true desires, or do they reflect someone else’s expectations?
Practice Gratitude and Self-Compassion: Instead of fixating on what others have, acknowledge your own strengths, achievements, and growth. Treat yourself with the kindness you would offer a friend.
Limit Social Media Exposure: Be mindful of how much time you spend on platforms that amplify comparison. Consider curating your feed to include content that inspires rather than diminishes you.
Conclusion
Comparing ourselves to others is a deeply human tendency, shaped by our early relationships, societal pressures, and emotional dynamics. By understanding the roots of this behavior through a relational and psychoanalytic lens, we can begin to break free from its grip. The journey involves not only exploring the wounds that fuel comparison but also cultivating a deeper connection with ourselves—one that honors our unique worth and experiences. In doing so, we create space for authentic growth, self-acceptance, and meaningful connections with others.
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Why Do We Say ‘Yes’ When We Really Mean ‘No’? A Relational Perspective
Saying “yes” when we really mean “no” is a common human experience. At the surface, it might appear to be simply an issue of people-pleasing or not wanting to disappoint others. However, a deeper exploration through psychoanalysis and relational theory reveals a far more complex psychological dynamic at play. These seemingly harmless or, at times, impulsive concessions are often rooted in unresolved emotional conflicts, relational patterns, and deep-seated anxieties. Understanding why we say “yes” when we mean “no” can be transformative in developing healthier relational dynamics and a stronger sense of self.
The Fear of Disapproval: A Relational Root
At the core of this behaviour is the universal desire to be liked and accepted. From a relational psychoanalytic perspective, humans are wired for connection. Our relationships are vital to our sense of self-worth. The fear of rejection and disapproval can lead us to prioritize others’ needs and desires over our own. Saying “yes” when we mean “no” is an unconscious attempt to preserve relationships and avoid the emotional discomfort that may arise from setting boundaries.
This behaviour can be traced back to early childhood experiences. For instance, children may learn that saying “no” or asserting themselves leads to negative consequences, such as parental anger or emotional withdrawal. Over time, these early relational experiences shape the way we interact with others. We may internalize the belief that love and acceptance are conditional upon our ability to please, and as adults, this belief can manifest in an unconscious fear of conflict and disapproval. The relational pressure to please others and maintain harmony can be so intense that we override our own needs and desires in the process.
People-Pleasing as an Identity
People-pleasing, a term often used to describe the tendency to say “yes” at the expense of one’s own desires, is more than just a behavioural trait—it can become part of one’s identity. Psychoanalytically, people-pleasing behaviours often emerge from unresolved relational dynamics. Individuals who were raised in environments where their needs were ignored or undervalued might develop a pattern of pleasing others in order to feel worthy or loved.
This people-pleasing behavior is often a coping mechanism to avoid feelings of anxiety, guilt, and fear of abandonment. When someone feels that their worth is contingent on the approval of others, they may say “yes” even when it contradicts their true feelings. This dynamic can be seen in both personal and professional relationships, where individuals suppress their authentic desires in order to meet the expectations of others. While this might seem like an effective strategy in the short term, it ultimately leads to feelings of resentment, burnout, and a loss of self-identity.
The Role of Childhood Conditioning
The psychoanalytic theory of transference, where unconscious patterns from childhood are projected onto current relationships, plays a significant role in why we say “yes” when we mean “no.” In early childhood, children may have learned that saying “no” or expressing their own needs could result in emotional withdrawal, punishment, or rejection from caregivers. This formative experience shapes how children later engage with authority figures, peers, and loved ones in adulthood.
For instance, a child raised in an environment where emotional needs were ignored or met with conditional love might learn that saying “no” leads to feelings of abandonment. To prevent this, they may begin to prioritize others’ needs over their own. This conditioning may carry over into adulthood, where an individual might struggle to assert themselves in relationships for fear of repeating past relational wounds. These internalized messages are so deeply embedded that we may not even be fully conscious of them, yet they significantly impact our behaviour in relationships.
Anxiety and the Unconscious Need for Connection
Saying “yes” when we mean “no” is often an unconscious attempt to manage anxiety. The discomfort of asserting ourselves, particularly in emotionally charged situations, can be overwhelming. Psychoanalytically, we might interpret this anxiety as a fear of emotional disconnection. We fear that saying “no” might jeopardize a relationship, whether it be with a partner, friend, family member, or colleague. The fear of emotional abandonment can be so strong that we override our true feelings to maintain a connection, even if that connection ultimately comes at the cost of our own well-being.
From a relational perspective, this behaviour is rooted in our need for emotional safety. Humans are social beings who thrive on connection, and relational bonds are integral to our emotional health. However, when these connections feel threatened by the potential of rejection or conflict, we may prioritize the relationship over ourselves. This relational anxiety can make it difficult to say “no” because doing so would mean risking vulnerability and the possibility of disconnection.
The Emotional Cost of Saying “Yes” When We Mean “No”
While saying “yes” to others may seem like a path to maintaining harmonious relationships, it often comes with emotional costs. When we repeatedly suppress our own desires to accommodate others, we begin to lose touch with our authentic selves. This disconnection from our true needs leads to feelings of frustration, resentment, and emotional burnout.
Over time, the accumulation of unexpressed desires can result in a deep sense of dissatisfaction with one’s life. For example, an individual who consistently says “yes” to additional work responsibilities may begin to feel overwhelmed, stressed, and unappreciated, eventually leading to burnout. Similarly, in personal relationships, repeatedly sacrificing one’s own needs to please others can lead to feelings of emotional depletion and a sense of disconnection from one’s true self.
Reclaiming the Power of “No”
One of the most empowering steps toward healing is learning to say “no” in a way that feels authentic and respectful of both oneself and others. Therapy, particularly relational psychoanalysis, provides a safe space to explore the unconscious patterns that contribute to this people-pleasing behaviour. Through the therapeutic process, individuals can begin to uncover the root causes of their anxiety and fear of disapproval and work to develop healthier ways of asserting boundaries.
Relational psychoanalysis emphasizes the importance of understanding how our early relational experiences shape our current interactions. In therapy, the therapist-client relationship itself becomes a space where the client can begin to practice saying “no” in a safe and supportive environment. By doing so, individuals begin to rebuild their sense of self-respect and autonomy.
Moving Toward Healthy Boundaries
Learning to say “no” is an essential aspect of developing healthy boundaries. Boundaries are not about rejecting others or pushing them away; they are about creating a clear distinction between our needs and the needs of others. Healthy boundaries allow us to prioritize our own well-being without the fear of rejection or disapproval. In doing so, we honour our emotional needs and cultivate more authentic, balanced relationships.
Saying “no” when we mean “no” is not a selfish act; it is an act of self-respect. It is a way of honouring our own emotions and asserting our needs in a way that promotes both personal well-being and relational health. By reclaiming the ability to say “no,” we begin to nurture healthier, more fulfilling relationships—starting with the one we have with ourselves.
Conclusion
In conclusion, saying “yes” when we mean “no” is a complex behaviour that is deeply rooted in relational dynamics, early conditioning, and unconscious fears. By exploring these dynamics through psychoanalysis and relational theory, we can begin to understand the underlying causes of our tendency to prioritize others over ourselves. Therapy provides a valuable space to explore these patterns and develop the skills necessary to assert healthy boundaries. Learning to say “no” is not only an act of self-preservation; it is a profound step toward building more authentic and fulfilling relationships with others and with ourselves.
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Men’s Mental Health and Masculinity in India: A Relational and Cultural Lens
In the evolving discourse on mental health, men’s struggles often remain underexplored, particularly in culturally complex societies like India. This neglect stems from deeply ingrained notions of masculinity that shape men’s inner worlds and their relationships with society. The intersection of masculinity, marginalization, and mental health in India offers profound insights into the relational and societal forces at play. The societal norms and expectations surrounding masculinity have undergone significant shifts, especially during and after colonization. By integrating insights from psychoanalysis and cultural studies, we can better understand how these dynamics impact men’s mental health today.
Before colonization, Indian masculinity was deeply intertwined with relational and spiritual aspects. Sudhir Kakar, in his psychoanalytic explorations, describes how traditional Indian men maintained close emotional ties, particularly with their mothers, fostering a form of masculinity distinct from the Western ideal of independence and detachment. These bonds often allowed for a greater emotional expression and intimacy within familial relationships, where vulnerability was not necessarily viewed as weakness. However, Ashis Nandy offers a contrasting narrative, highlighting how British colonization reshaped Indian masculinity. Colonial rule imposed Western ideals of manliness—rationality, emotional suppression, physical strength, and dominance. The colonizers framed their version of masculinity as superior, casting Indian men as effeminate and weak. This not only eroded indigenous understandings of masculinity but also stigmatized emotional vulnerability. In post-colonial India, these colonial ideals persist, with men striving to embody a hyper-masculine identity that validates strength and stoicism while dismissing vulnerability. Men who fail to meet these standards often face ridicule or social exclusion, further isolating them and worsening their mental health struggles.
Masculinity and Mental Health: A Complex Interplay
Masculinity in India is tightly bound to cultural expectations that emphasize emotional stoicism, physical endurance, and financial success. From childhood, boys are told to “man up” and suppress vulnerability, creating a rift between their emotional experiences and external behaviors. This disconnection, often described as “toxic masculinity,” does not arise in isolation but is shaped by relationships, societal structures, and historical legacies.
Relational psychoanalysis offers a compelling lens to understand this dynamic. According to this perspective, our early relationships with caregivers and societal messages profoundly shape how we see ourselves and others. For many men, the constant pressure to conform to ideals of masculinity creates a fragile sense of self. They may internalize a harsh inner critic that punishes vulnerability and celebrates hyper-independence.
Men often internalize the voices of authority figures—parents, teachers, or societal norms—as “inner critics” that demand conformity to masculine ideals. These internalized voices can create a split in the psyche:
- The ideal self strives to embody strength, control, and success.
- The real self often feels inadequate, vulnerable, or overwhelmed.
This split creates an internal conflict that manifests in symptoms like guilt, shame, or feelings of failure.
For instance, a man struggling to meet societal expectations as the sole provider for his family may experience feelings of inadequacy when he cannot meet these demands. However, instead of acknowledging these emotions, he might resort to anger, withdrawal, or substance abuse to cope.
Cultural and Societal Pressures
In India, the added layer of socio-economic disparity amplifies these struggles. Men from marginalized communities face systemic oppression that intersects with the pressures of masculinity. The expectation to be strong providers and protectors becomes doubly challenging when access to resources, employment, and dignity is systematically denied.
For example, a migrant laborer working in urban India not only grapples with financial instability but also experiences alienation from his family and community. This isolation compounds his emotional distress, yet seeking therapy might feel like a distant luxury, given societal stigmas and financial constraints.
Even within the urban middle class, the modern pressures of performance—be it academic, professional, or relational—are immense. Men are often caught between traditional ideals of masculinity and modern aspirations of equality and emotional intimacy. This tension creates a psychological burden, often leading to anxiety, depression, or burnout.
The Role of Relationships in Healing
Relational psychoanalysis emphasizes that healing occurs through relationships rather than in isolation. Men’s mental health challenges are not merely individual struggles; they are relational and societal in origin. Therapy, therefore, provides a unique space where men can explore their vulnerabilities, process their relational wounds, and rebuild healthier connections.
Take the example of a man who hesitates to show affection to his partner due to his upbringing, where emotional expressions were labeled as weaknesses. In therapy, he might uncover how his father’s distant behavior shaped his belief system. Through relational exploration, he can begin to reframe his understanding of intimacy and connection, enabling more meaningful relationships.
Such healing, however, cannot be confined to individual therapy alone. Societal change is equally vital. Campaigns promoting emotional literacy among boys and men, workplace policies encouraging mental well-being, and community support systems can foster an environment where vulnerability is no longer a liability.
Dismantling Stigmas and Moving Forward
The path to addressing men’s mental health lies in challenging harmful stereotypes and fostering a culture of openness. This means redefining masculinity to include emotional depth, relational intimacy, and the courage to seek help. It also means addressing systemic barriers that prevent men, especially those from marginalized backgrounds, from accessing mental health services.
In India, mental health care must be made affordable, accessible, and culturally sensitive. This includes initiatives that integrate mental health discussions into schools, workplaces, and community spaces. Peer support groups for men, particularly those in rural or economically disadvantaged areas, can also be powerful.
Ultimately, men’s mental health is not just about treating symptoms but about reimagining societal norms. It is about creating a world where men are free to express their full range of emotions, build meaningful relationships, and embrace their humanity without fear or judgment.
As we strive for this change, the words of psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams resonate deeply: “Healing emerges through relationships, not through isolation.”. By addressing men’s mental health relationally and culturally, we can pave the way for a more inclusive and empathetic society.
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The Healing Power of Psychotherapy: More Than Just Uncovering the Past
Understanding the Essence of Psychotherapy
Psychotherapy is often seen as a powerful tool for healing, yet the nature of this healing is frequently misunderstood. While many believe that our mental struggles stem from past experiences we have repressed or forgotten, the truth is that healing is a multifaceted journey. The conventional view posits that traumatic moments from our past—be it neglect, humiliation, or emotional abuse—linger in our unconscious, disrupting our lives. The therapeutic journey then resembles a detective story, where the therapist guides us in uncovering these buried traumas to find relief.
The Detective Analogy: A Limited Perspective
In this narrative, it’s commonly thought that identifying the root cause of our pain—perhaps a belittling father or a mother who struggled with depression—will lead to healing. This perspective is appealing because it suggests a straightforward solution: uncover the trauma, and we will be free from its grip. However, while this view holds some truth, it overlooks a critical aspect of psychotherapy’s benefits.
Healing goes beyond merely understanding the past; it involves experiencing a new kind of relationship with another person—one that may have been absent during our formative years. Knowledge alone is insufficient for healing; we cannot simply grasp the facts about our painful experiences and expect to feel better. True recovery occurs when we have the opportunity to redefine our emotional landscape in the presence of a therapist who embodies the qualities that our original caregivers may not have provided: presence, kindness, empathy, and understanding.
The Role of the Therapist: A Reparative Relationship
The therapist’s role is not solely to unearth painful memories; it’s also to fill the emotional void created by past traumas. Through sustained interactions characterized by warmth, patience, and generosity, clients can begin to heal from fear, loneliness, panic, and shame. This reparative experience is essential for overcoming the scars of earlier wounds.
The therapeutic relationship provides a unique opportunity to rewrite our emotional narratives. It allows clients to experience what healthy, supportive relationships look like, helping them understand their worth and fostering a sense of safety that may have been missing in their earlier experiences.
The Challenge of Authentic Connection
However, this approach complicates psychotherapy significantly. It requires a genuine and authentic connection between the client and therapist—something that is not easily achieved. If a therapist is cold, judgmental, or emotionally distant, the healing process can falter. Unlike traditional medicine, where one can dislike a doctor but still benefit from their treatment, psychotherapy relies on a profound sense of trust in the therapist’s goodness, maturity, and kindness.
This level of connection is rare and often requires multiple sessions to develop, much like the bond with a true friend. Finding a therapist who embodies these qualities is crucial; without this bond, the therapeutic process can feel ineffective or even counterproductive.
The Long-Term Commitment to Healing
Additionally, this understanding of therapy tends to make it more costly and lengthy than many might prefer. If we view therapy as a mere quest to uncover hidden trauma, we may hope for quick fixes, believing that resolution is just a few sessions away. However, if we embrace the notion that healing is a process rooted in a reparative relationship, we may need to engage in therapy consistently over a longer period—perhaps weeks, months, or even years.
This extended commitment can create challenges, particularly for those navigating busy lives or seeking to avoid the complexities of emotional healing. Insurance companies and employers often favour quicker solutions, leading to a temptation to view therapy solely as a means to discover and address trauma.
The Danger of Superficial Healing
Yet, if we allow this temptation to shape our approach, we risk settling for a superficial understanding of therapy—one that seeks immediate relief without recognizing the need for a nurturing and supportive therapeutic relationship. True healing comes from shifting our perspective from the therapist as a detective to the therapist as a reparenter.
This change in perspective is essential for fostering genuine growth. We must recognize that healing is not merely about discovering past traumas but about creating a new foundation for emotional health and well-being. By prioritizing the quality of our therapeutic relationships, we set ourselves on a path to deeper understanding and lasting change.
Conclusion: Investing in the Healing Journey
Ultimately, by investing in a therapeutic relationship that genuinely supports our emotional growth, we honour our healing journey and set the stage for profound transformation. In seeking a therapist who embodies the qualities of an ideal caregiver, we can hope to find a solution that repays our trust and investment—a path toward a more fulfilling and emotionally healthy life.
Through this understanding, we empower ourselves to embrace the complexity of healing and to recognize the vital role of relationships in our journey toward emotional wellness. The path may be longer and more intricate than we initially envisioned, but the rewards of such an investment can lead to a deeper sense of self and a richer, more connected life.
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Childhood: Why Does it Matter?
For over a century, we’ve accepted a compelling idea about human nature: that our childhoods set the tone for our adult lives. According to psychotherapists, those early years influence how we love, trust, and relate to ourselves and others. Yet, despite the intellectual appeal of this concept, many of us struggle to feel its truth deeply. Can those distant, hazy years really hold the key to understanding who we are today? How much of our present lives are shaped by fleeting memories, old photos, and family holidays? Could this theory of childhood’s profound influence simply be a widespread misconception?
To explore this further, let’s consider some of the most common questions—and challenges—surrounding this idea:
How Can Childhood Be So Important When Nothing Major Happened?
It’s easy to accept that traumatic childhoods, marked by abuse or neglect, can leave lasting scars. But what about the rest of us, whose childhoods involved nothing more than a few arguments or emotional ups and downs? Can these relatively uneventful years really shape us?
This question is reminiscent of the scepticism people had about microbiology in the late 19th century. At the time, many couldn’t believe that something as tiny as a microbe could contaminate an entire city’s water supply. They thought only big problems could have big causes. Similarly, we might underestimate how seemingly small or subtle experiences can deeply affect our psychological landscape. Just as an invisible bacterium can make us sick, small emotional dynamics in childhood can ripple through our adult lives in ways we don’t always recognize.
But My Parents Were Good People?
Even loving and well-meaning parents can unintentionally set off patterns that lead to challenges later in life. It doesn’t take overt abuse or trauma for us to feel the effects of difficult dynamics. A parent’s anxiety, emotional distance, or overprotectiveness can shape us in ways we might not even realize, leading to struggles in how we relate to ourselves and others.
Isn’t It Normal for Everyone to Have a Slightly Messed-Up Childhood?
Many people assume that difficult childhoods are just a part of life. Since everyone seems to have their share of struggles growing up, it might feel like there’s no point in reflecting on our own experiences. However, this mindset is similar to how people once viewed dental health in medieval times. Back then, tooth decay and pain were so common that they were considered a normal part of life. Yet today, we know these issues can be largely prevented with proper care.
Likewise, just because many people experience difficulties growing up doesn’t mean those struggles are inevitable or “natural.” With the right understanding and effort, we can address the emotional impact of our childhoods and reduce the prevalence of certain psychological challenges.
My Childhood Feels ‘Normal.’ What’s the Point?
We often struggle to question what we know best. Our families and early experiences are the backdrop of our lives—they feel normal because they’re all we’ve ever known. However, just like scientists use microscopes to detect things the naked eye can’t see, psychotherapists have tools to uncover the hidden influences of childhood on adult behaviour. In therapy rooms, connections between early experiences and present-day struggles become clear. Through patterns observed in countless individuals, therapists witness firsthand how childhood experiences often shape adult emotional landscapes.
I Don’t Remember My Childhood Having That Big of an Effect on Me?
Just because we don’t consciously remember how childhood shaped us doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. We don’t recall learning to speak, yet language became ingrained in us early on. Similarly, our emotional habits—how we handle relationships, process emotions, and view ourselves—are learned unconsciously during our formative years. These emotional patterns are often as fixed as our native tongue, which makes them difficult but not impossible to change.
If the Past Can’t Be Changed, Why Dwell on It?
It’s true that we can’t go back and change our childhoods. But by examining how the past continues to affect us, we can start to reshape its impact. Understanding the roots of our fears, anxieties, and patterns of behaviour can help us break free from them. Over time, we can learn healthier ways to interact with the world, opening up paths to greater creativity, openness, and self-acceptance.
Isn’t It Easier to Just Move On and Forget About It?
Avoiding these topics is understandable. Most of us have developed ways to protect ourselves from the pain or confusion we encountered growing up. But reflecting on the past isn’t about getting stuck there—it’s about finding a way to move forward. By exploring how our early experiences shaped us, we can let go of old defenses and embrace a more authentic, peaceful present.
The invitation to look back at childhood isn’t about assigning blame or dwelling on the past. It’s about understanding where we’ve come from so we can live more freely and fully in the present.
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