Why Do We Struggle to Set Boundaries? A Relational Perspective

From a relational and psychoanalytic perspective, the difficulty in setting boundaries often stems from deep-seated emotional patterns, unconscious relational dynamics, and early attachment experiences. Boundaries are not just about saying “no” or protecting personal space—they are an essential part of how we define ourselves in relation to others. Understanding the struggles with boundaries requires a closer look at our emotional and relational histories.

Boundaries as a Relational Construct

Boundaries are shaped by how we’ve been taught to relate to others. In psychoanalytic terms, the self is formed in relation to the “other” (parent, caregiver, or significant figures). If a child grows up in an environment where their needs are consistently dismissed, over-indulged, or not clearly understood, they may develop blurred boundaries as adults. They might struggle to assert their needs, fearing rejection, guilt, or loss of connection.

For example, a child who learns that love is conditional—offered only when they meet certain expectations—may grow into an adult who overextends themselves to please others. Setting boundaries in this context feels risky because it threatens the relational dynamic they’ve come to depend on.

Guilt and Fear in Boundary Setting

Boundary struggles often involve feelings of guilt and fear:

• Fear of Rejection: Saying “no” can evoke anxiety about being abandoned or perceived as unloving. Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott’s concept of the “false self” helps explain this. The false self develops as a defense mechanism to maintain relationships by pleasing others, even at the cost of personal authenticity.
• Guilt Over Prioritizing Self: In many cultural and familial contexts, prioritizing oneself is seen as selfish. This guilt can prevent individuals from setting healthy boundaries, especially in collectivist cultures like India, where family obligations are deeply ingrained.

Internalized Messages About Worth

From a psychoanalytic perspective, struggles with boundaries can also be linked to internalized messages about self-worth. If someone has grown up believing they must “earn” love through sacrifice, they may unconsciously allow others to overstep their boundaries. Relational therapy often focuses on uncovering these unconscious beliefs and exploring how they play out in present-day relationships.

The Role of Early Attachment Patterns

Attachment theory provides another lens to understand boundary difficulties. Individuals with insecure attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment, often have distorted perceptions of boundaries:

• Anxiously Attached Individuals: They may overextend themselves, unable to say “no,” for fear of pushing others away.
• Avoidantly Attached Individuals: They might set excessively rigid boundaries to avoid vulnerability, stemming from a fear of being hurt.

These patterns are shaped by early relationships with caregivers. A child who experiences inconsistent caregiving may grow up feeling unsure about how much of themselves they can safely offer to others, leading to either over- or under-engagement in adult relationships.

Societal and Cultural Influences on Boundaries

Society and culture also play a significant role. In patriarchal systems, for example, women are often socialized to prioritize others’ needs over their own. Men, too, face boundary struggles but are conditioned to express dominance or invulnerability, which can lead to difficulty respecting others’ boundaries.

In Indian contexts, traditional values emphasize familial interdependence, often at the expense of individual autonomy. This can make it challenging for individuals to assert personal boundaries without feeling disloyal or selfish.

Relational Healing and Boundary Work

Therapy offers a space to explore these dynamics and rebuild a healthier relationship with boundaries. Through the lens of relational psychoanalysis:

• Awareness of Patterns: Therapy helps individuals recognize how their relational histories shape their present struggles with boundaries.
• Building Self-Compassion: Acknowledging and validating past wounds fosters self-compassion, which is crucial for asserting boundaries without guilt.
• Practicing Boundaries in Relationships: The therapeutic relationship itself becomes a space to practice boundary setting, allowing clients to experiment with assertiveness in a safe environment.

For example, a client might explore how their reluctance to say “no” to a friend mirrors childhood experiences of feeling unheard or unimportant. Gradually, they can learn to say “no” in a way that feels respectful to themselves and others.

Conclusion: Boundaries as a Path to Authentic Connection

Setting boundaries is not about keeping people out; it’s about creating space for healthier, more authentic connections. Relational psychoanalysis reminds us that boundaries are not fixed but dynamic—they reflect our evolving needs and relationships. Healing boundary struggles involves uncovering the unconscious fears and beliefs that keep us stuck, practicing new ways of relating, and allowing ourselves the freedom to prioritize both connection and self-care.

Boundaries, at their core, are an act of self-respect. They invite us to honor our own needs while nurturing meaningful relationships with others.